Most of THE STUFF is gone.

Most. Not ALL.

He came on Saturday, with a friend and a transit van. The packed up clothes and prints and generalized stuff. Cinema seats, old chairs, piles and piles of books. They loaded the transit van and ExP’s car, They ran out of space on the vehicles. The tools in the shed, several boxes and two suitcases of clothes are still here.


He asked it he could walk the dog with me sometimes, if we could be friends, if we could see each other occasionally. He said I was ‘right about most things’; that he was sorry he had ‘let me down’, that he didn’t want there to be animosity between us.

It was straightforward in one way; no shouting, no emotional scenes, no being unkind. But it was exhausting. emotionally Confusing and painful.

Trying to unpick that is hard.

I honestly and genuinely know that this relationship was wrong and that this man is not right for me. he made me desperately unhappy and I cannot go back. I don’t want to go back. But for a LONG time I thought he was everything I wanted, I literally adored him and would have done (did do) anything for him. Its hard to watch that person sitting in front of you and be split – one half feels nothing nice and just wants to move on, the other half is filled with regret and sadness and wants nothing more than to be hugged and held close and told that its all ok …

The ‘sorry’ split me too.. It made me feel angry (that he can NOW say sorry for several years of really shitty behaviour), it made me feel cynical (why is he saying sorry NOW for several years of really shitty behaviour) it made me feel slightly vindicated (even YOU can see that your behavior was really shitty) It made me sad ( because the damage is done and can not be undone).

That fragile tape stuck round the boxes felt like it should have been round me.

On Sunday I woke with flu like symptoms, a headache, myalgia and sore throat. I went for a walk with K and the dog – then I crawled back to bed…. later yesterday I was on the receiving end of a barrage of shouting and rage from Son#2 telling me that he is ANGRY with me for allowing ExP to ‘stay so long’ because “Him being here has ruined son#1’s life”

This is the subject of another blog post. It hit a very raw nerve though.

So I crawled back into bed and today is another day. 318th day without alcohol. I was hoping for more from this weekend. I wanted closure. Its closer but I am not there yet …



  1. Lily that’s a huge step and you’ve been an absolute saint waiting for so long. As a outsider I sense real progress even though it doesn’t always seem that way to you. And all this while sober – that wonderful.

    I wish I could hug you but I’m sending a virtual hug and lots of love. Tori xx

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  2. the head knowing and the heart longing. it’s exhausting and annoying. i find the feeling and dealing with emotions the hardest part of being sober, i am so not used doing that raw and in the real.
    wishing you selfhugs and kindness. x


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