Lonely

I haven’t posted for a few days. I’ve been unwell, proper poorly with a temperature, unable to swallow for a day as my threat was so sore … I’d forgotten how miserable it is having a temperature, and I’m hoping this flatness is just recovery…

Because I’m so low.

I took two days off work, then dragged myself in yesterday. There are several others away so there was a feeling of “good your here, now you can pick up the slack”… I really couldn’t, but then felt horribly guilty and ungrateful because there are others so so much worse off than I am. I’m not sleeping because I’m sweating so much at night, I hate it and wake up soaking wet, cold and then can’t sleep any longer… 

I can’t be bothered to do anything.  I’m tearful, I see nothing to look forward to, just endless stress and hard work, financial pressure and declining health. The kids are ok, but they are growing up. They don’t need me as company – or want much to do with me really (apart from no 3) they do the bare minimum, create huge amounts of mess…. typical teens really. The house looks empty and bare. Stuff that was on shelves and walls has gone and the house looks unfinished, unloved and tatty. My car wouldn’t start yesterday and that was the proverbial last straw … I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility at home, at work … overwhelmed and utterly inadequate. 

This is not supposed to be happening. I’ve been sober for 322 days. Being sober was supposed to make me serene and happy. Well I’m not. I’m sad, stressed, lonely, apathetic, increasingly introverted and can’t be bothered / don’t have the energy to change anything.

I’m also stressed to fuck about this charity bike ride I have signed up to. I just can’t fit in the training. I have a FT job which is increasingly demanding , a house to keep, two dogs to care for, three kids and everything else … it just seems impossible to carve more hours out to train …don’t know what to do.. I have £125o already pledged …. 

sorry. This is self indulgent and not very helpful … 


10 comments

  1. It’s beautifully honest Lily which is refreshing and helpful in its own way to all of us who also have complicated, imperfect lives. Just life in fact but very few are so open in the real world . from my observations over the past two and a half years So many of us here seem to have this belief that we have to be good and selfless all the time, and any anger, resentment or complaining means we are bad and self indulgent. You do your best Lily. You know your children have to come first but that doesn’t mean that they don’t drive you crazy. Mine have moved out now, quite recently and life is so much easier in terms of work load, but I remember sitting in my car after a long day at work and thinking ‘I just can’t go in’ I couldn’t face the shoes, coats, dirty lunch boxes, washing -and this is when they were virtually adults! I admit to an occasional tear. And more than a few rows. And I had a husband to help but I am as many women are, the one that did the discipline! Or attempted or.
    But before you know it, it’s over. And you’ll have three lovely boys who will in time show you how much they value you doing the best you could for them. Your heart is broken because you put them first and you are lonely because you put them first. And they will know this.
    And I’m not sure it’s good for kids to see their parents as ‘totally perfect’ – too much to live up to. I worshipped my mother, but I know (it’s hard to say this) she wasn’t perfect, and I’m certainly not. But I beat myself up so much if I think I’m being selfish.
    Sorry for going on Lily but all I’m trying to say is that you strike me as someone who takes your responsibilities, your children and your patients and friends, very seriously. And you do you your best I’m sure.
    You deserve a whinge. I remember wanting to move out on my own away from the mess and the teenage self- centredness. But it won’t last for ever. A year is hell when you’re lonely and scared but nothing in the grand scheme if it means you are mending and healing and working in your self esteem. And there will be a man out there who deserves you when you’re good and ready, I am sure of it x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. And in terms of the bike ride could you not just hold your hands up and say due to personal circumstances and flu etc. Hampering your training schedule, That you’ve overstretched yourself and will fulfil perhaps next year circumstances permitting. People could keep their kind donations or still give them to the charity so close to your heart because of your dear friend. No one will judge you Lily. And if they do it says more about them than you. It was all planned with good intentions.

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      • I didn’t mean to make you cry Lily but you clearly need to be kinder to yourself. One of my most beloved friends had been through quite a few similar things as you, including an incompetent husband and then supporting an immature penniless and non deserving partner both emotionally and financially. After some time alone she met the kindest man you could ever meet. He looks after her in the way someone who truly loves someone should. He hasn’t expected her to change one hair on her head and neither should she. They married two years ago when she was 60 and are having such lovely times together. Her kids, who she raised alone, whilst often like yourself was simultaneously supporting a man child were so happy for her at the wedding, as we all were. I don’t think she believed such things were possible:) xx

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Careful of overwhelm… Try to just prioritise the most important things get rid of all the peripheral stuff. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Thank god you ARE sober for this because you wouldn’t manage this low is you were drinking. It will pass…remember you are the mountain everything else is the weather. Life really sucks when you are physically ill and low, try to ride it out under your duvet, eat ice cream or do something nice to lift your spirits. xxxx

    Liked by 3 people

  4. So much change. You just need some time to settle back into yourself.
    You are doing awesome.

    I agree….could you find another rider and transfer the sponsorship to them? Just in a I am exhausted and need some support and one self care choice is to not ride in the race transfer?

    You deserve to find the quiets. I promise it isn’t in a bottle of booze.
    Hugs and love to you
    Anne

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  5. Lily during your 322 days of sobriety I have had three failed attempts. I have always looked up to you as a succesful role model in my own sober journey. You have been through so much yet have never once stumbled in your sobriety. I think you are pretty amazing.
    I had a friend once who lost a LOT of weight. She went from morbidly obese to reaching her normal weight. One thing she told me that I will never forget was that weight loss didn’t make her a happier person. She thought that losing weight would change her life, bring an inner happiness but it didn’t happen like that. Jon Kabat Zinn, an authority on meditation for stress reduction says that it is vitally important that we learn to love ourselves NOW, even if our body is not the ideal weight, or if we are currently facing health issues. If we don’t do that then how can we expect to love ourselves when we reach our goal. Sobriety isn’t a magic pill for happiness, even though it has many benefits.
    Even if you come last in this charity ride you will still be a winner in my eyes. Just entering in the first place makes you a winner. You might surprise yourself.
    One last thing, “how do you eat an elephant?……..one bite at a time” You can’t possibly fix every problem in your life at once but you can tackle one thing at a time. And when you look deeply you may realise that some issues are not as important as you first thought. 😚😚😚

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s really interesting about your friend, I guess it’s easy to think that being sober / thin whatever will solve everything – but if course it doesn’t … and thank you for your support. I have t lapsed because I am too terrified I would never be able to get sober again. I know, if I drink, within a week it will be back to a bottle a night … and I can’t bear to go back to that. 🌷Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. First things first, you are not in the slightest bit self indulgent, not a jot. I am sorry you are having such a hard time Lily. You sound as if you have been really poorly and that always makes everything worse. You had been waiting patiently for your ex to come and collect his things for such a long time – it was bound to have a big psychological impact on you when it finally happened and it sounds as if being ill has exacerbated all those completely normal but difficult feelings.

    I know exactly what you mean – I thought getting sober would solve everything and I still hope sometimes that everything will just fall into perfect place now I don’t drink but I don’t think it’s going to happen. But even though it’s not as I imagined it would be, life sober is SO much better than the alternative.

    As far as the bike ride is concerned, if you need to postpone until next year or do something else then do. You really do need to go with your gut and give yourself a break. No one will think badly of you for that – and if they do well they are really not worth it. I was listening the the Bubble Hour earlier and Ellie was talking about how she has cut so many things out of her life for now while she focuses on herself and her kids. It made a lot of sense. Perhaps have a listen if you haven’t heard it – it’s the first podcast of 2017.

    Lots of Love. Big Hugs. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person


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