Critisism

This morning I woke to find two text messages from my Ex husband. They were extremely abusive, calling me a “c*nt” and various other choice phrases. The texts said that our children had told him “what I had been doing” ….They were sent at 3am.

to say I was surprised is a massive understatement. My Ex-husband and I separated on August 9th 2010. I was granted a decree absolute on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour in an uncontested divorce, on April 5th 2011. My ex-husband was/is a drug Addict; a non recovered, fully operational drug addict, who knew no limits to his drug taking when we were married and created a chaotic frightening landscape in our family home. I tried extremely hard to “make” the marriage work, and had previously reconciled with him following a 6 month separation in 2007, because I believed in my marriage vows and in a second chance.

The night he went out and got incoherently drunk / drugged in central London with our 11 year old son, was the night I had had enough.

Having said this, he is my children’s father. He adopted son #1 and has always treated the children exactly the same. We live about a mile apart and he has seen the children once a week (on a Saturday) since the divorce. He does not have them overnight, does not take them for weekends away and struggles somewhat with doing stuff. 95% of childcare, all the decision making, organisation and responsibility for raising the children has fallen on my shoulders.

I have tried hard not to run him down to the children. I am civil to him and I would have said our relationship was cordial and reasonably constructive.

until this morning.

I have quite literally no idea what set this off, and at first I was so shocked I wondered if his account had been hacked. But no, when I called him I got a huge tirade of abuse which apparently relates to me having a relationship with my ExP: “putting my c*** before my children”, allowing ex P to bully the children and basically being the devil incarnate.

i don’t know if he’s ill, or been taking drugs or what, but it’s really horrible being on the receiving end of a vituperative, vindictive tirade of abuse, the purpose of which seems to be to underline just exactly how shit a person I am, how rubbish all my efforts to be a decent parent are and how I deserve every bad thing going.

Ive just spent the last 6 months or longer trying to convince myself I’m not THAT  bad, that perhaps everything is not my fault…but clearly I haven’t succeeded as I feel completely blindsided by this; desperately upset and uncertain how to react.

A BIG part of me thinks I deserve it, that deep down I am horrible, evil and that I deserve every single hateful word and the opprobrium of the whole world on my head. That is how I FEEL.  And that, I think,  is the problem.

what I should feel (I know) is a huge amount af righteous indignation and conviction that  have done the best that I could …

what I have done is reply, saying that this is out of order and I won’t listen to any more. Then I blocked his number, gathered up my children and the dogs and went to the Park for 2 hours.

And now? Now I’m bewildered, anxious, upset, angry, flustered and unhappy. I feel as though I must be a really horrible person, to provoke such an attck from nowhere. And I feel very sad.

 

 


23 comments

  1. I’m certain that no one deserves that. I sometimes feel like these things happen as a test, spiritually, of our resolve. Know your own progress, trust in it. Learn self love. Learn to take it easy on yourself even when you’re beg tested. Pardon my language, but this is another f***ing growth opportunity!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is so awful and the absolute last thing you need ATM. Chances are he can’t stand to see you being strong, sober and moving on independently. Stay strong. It’s all about him really, not you. I just hope he hasn’t upset the boys too much either. Awful behaviour for an adult and a parent 😢

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What a horrible,horrible thing to happen. You did the right thing to reply and block him and you should feel huge indignation but what you should feel and how you actually feel don’t always match. In itself that can be really frustrating and upsetting.
    You have said you provoked the attack but you didn’t. It’s not your fault and you are a wholly innocent victim. No one ever deserves to be treated like that, let alone you. You are a very special, wonderful person. You give so much to everyone around you, in real life and online. You are a huge inspiration to so many people and so very, very wise. Please don’t ever forget that. Love and Hugs Tori xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Today my friend J (k’s husband – they were actually ExH’s friends before mine) called him up and gave him a bollocking. And told him he was a nasty bully – which he is. Apparently it “needed to be said” … no idea why… I will never gave him in my house again and I will never speak to him again if I can possibly avoid it. Horrible horrible black hearted villainous little creep.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This is terrible for you and you should not have to experience this abuse! Keep believing you are a wonderful person and mother to your boys- sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard but you bloody do it!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lily were the kids with him recently and shared with him? It seems to me two actions are required. 1.) consider whether the kids should spend any time with him until he changes his habits. These types of arrangements need to be reevaluted regularly especially with addiction 2.) If the kids have been sharing their feelings with him they have unresolved concerns. He is not in an emotional place to be trusted with this information or to help them deal with it in a rational way. You need to get to the bottom of it in a kind and gentle way with the kids. Who spoke to him, what are their concerns. You may need to get some counseling for one of your children or you need to get an open and loving dialog with them about this. They may need help processing all the change. He cannot help them even though he is their father. He needs to deal with his own behavior first. The irony of his rage is beyond ridiculous.

    Onething that is going well is your physical and mental health. Cling to it and work with your therapist so his issues do not impact you and your progress. You have been very strong and you can do this.

    Liked by 3 people

      • Thank you Kelly.not overstepping at all… I know that the kids have unresolved issues, esp no2 and we have been talking about this. There is a revolting irony that he starts this almost 6 months after ExP left, and if ExP were still here he wouldn’t have dared to treat me like this – I know that’s wrong, but it’s true. He is a revolting bully and picks on people he can bully – e.g. Me …
        ugh 😦

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    • I’m struggling to know how to help the children. My ExH, as you correctly say is completely untrustworthy (and always has been) with any emotional confidence. This outburst reminds me of exactly how irrational, Emotionally abusive and damaging his behaviour is. But if course I do, as I have discussed here, feel guilty about my kids exposure to my ExP… at least about the effect on son #1. My guilt gets in the way of being able to offer them clear, unemotional and ’emotionally safe’ support … it’s not malicious, but I don’t think I’m doing as well as i should ..

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  6. That is oh so typical of a bully. ExP isn’t around so I can vent my rage on Lily. Why do people think raging at others in an uncontrolled way is going to make them feel better? It always makes one feel worse. One can have regrets even when we communicate thoughtfully. At 3 am it is never thoughtful especially when drugs or alcohol are involved. Glad you blocked him and sounds like you have a good handle on it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. If your children have been seeing their dad every Saturday, even during the period when you were with ExP then why has this erupted now? Surely if they were unhappy with ExP then that would have come out long before now. Are they repeating conversations that you have had with them since ExP left? I am glad that you have blocked your ex husband as receiving vile text is not what you need right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You are an amazing woman. That was an excellent response.
    Look in the mirror and remind yourself you are doing hard things. That you are worthy and vital and important and deep serve every bit of love and compassion there is.

    Because you do.
    Love to you
    Anne

    Like

  9. No no, you are completely right. Yes he has been seeing them all the way through. So why now? I have no idea, except maybe a) drugs b) 🍹 mg c) realising that I am on my own and therefore more vulnerable. The kids may have said something, I have been discussing their feelings with them, and aspects of ExPs behaviour… it’s pretty horrid whatever the cause …

    Liked by 1 person


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