I thank you for your kind words in the last 24 hours.
I have also had support, in real life, from my friends J and K and my brother. J phoned my ExH today and told him that his behaviour was unacceptable. The “issue” is apparently that my ExP was mean to the children. the children have told their father some things… and I am to blame. Hence the tirade of abusive words. Are you seeing this? The logic? No, me neither.
Apparently he (ex husband) thinks “it needed to be said” although since ExP is not living here and has NO contact with the children, it’s pretty hard to see why it needed to be said ! It’s also pretty hard to see why anything needed to be said at 3am, using that language. I am left with the conclusion that either a) he was drunk /drugged or b) he’s been storing up a load of black bitter thoughts in his heart – saving them for when I would be vulnerable … or maybe it’s both…
either way, I have done nothing to provoke this, I am his children’s mother and have done 95% of everything for those children, including maintaining their relationship with their father despite his drug abuse, and significant provocation. I deserve to be treated with respect.
He also conveniently forgets that it was HE who hit son #2 with a remote control, over the head, resulting in a police caution for domestic abuse; he who left the children alone in a sweet shop and drove off when they were 8 and 5 leaving them hysterical until his mother went to rescue them; he who threatened me with a knife; he who kicked son no #1 down the stairs; he who caused me to flee my home in terror with three kids as he was so aggressive. I do not think ExPs treatment of the children was ok – and ultimately that split us up, but he was not physical with me or the children and I never once felt as scared of him as I did of ExH’s violent, irrational, vindictive outbursts.
I’m more angry than tearful today. More indignant than upset. Apparently one other thing I have done wrong is deciding to send son #3 to school B (selective state, so free) rather than school A (private) when son 3 would have preferred school A.. since he (ExH) would not have offered to pay one penny for that education I think it’s a bit rich that he critisises me for this …
the unfairness if it all really stings. I hate being blamed for things I have not done, and I hate being criticised unfairly. I hate that my children will have to listen to him slagging me off because he’s too emotionally immature to understand that this is BAD FOR THEM. I hate that he’s seen a weak spot and ruthlessly gone for it with a stiletto blade. The caption at the top? That’s him, for all he pretends to be a Christian, and he has got VERY churchy and preachy – no true Christian would behave as he has.
So, for the record … ExP did not treat son #1 as he should have. It was wrong the way he behaved and our relationship ended largely because of this. BUT there were also good times, both between him and son #1 in the early years, and between him and the other boys. Ultimately being a blended family didn’t work, but it was not ALL bad, and not all exP’s fault.
I know I’m not really vulnerable, there are two dogs here – I’m pretty sure Lola would go for anyone who tried to harm me. My two eldest sons are bigger than him… but he scares me. I think it’s because he’s totally unpredictable and has no limits beyond which he wouldn’t go. Once in the past when I fled the house during a violent rant, I was terrified he would kill the children (who were upstairs) to get back at me… he is, or can be, that unstable. Yesterday’s totally unexpected tirade has brought it all back..
So, wise, sober people .. help me. I need some advice about how to discuss this with my children. Firstly how to help them see that their father is not an emotionally safe person to confide anything in… without making him sound like the devil… and secondly to help them discuss and reflect upon and put into context their relationship with ExP, the good and the bad. Help them to express their emotions about it, allow them to be angry (with me too) but not OTT … it’s too close to me, I’m lost … but we all need some help ..