My Ex H has apologised to me an an email.
He said ‘I am very sorry I sent you abusive texts. there is no justification for this’
I dont know what to do.
In ‘the old days’, even quite recently, I would have accepted his apology and not referred to it again. BUT not because I thought a) he meant it b) I really thought it was ok or c) I forgave it. No, I would have ‘accepted his apology’ because thats what I ‘should do‘. And I would have stuffed down my feelings about the whole episode, pretended they didn’t matter, downplayed my distress and carried on. This is what I did about countless ‘things’ that have upset me over the years. The feelings do not go away, but I allowed others to feel ‘forgiven’ that it was ‘all ok’ and carried around anger, resentment & hurt myself…This is not healthy. I actually have no idea where a ‘healthy boundary’ for this kind of stuff IS.
Now I realise this episode is , in the grand scheme of things, not that big a deal. BUT, I lost my whole Sunday to stressing over this, I was really very upset about it. I felt anxious, vulnerable and distressed. My children have been upset again. I start thinking wistfully about the barrier the ExP created for me between me and my bullying abusive exH. My friends, including my terminally ill friend, got dragged into it – (that bit is my responsibility – I didn’t HAVE to tell them)
So how DO I feel inside? I feel very, very upset indeed. I feel furiously resentful about ExH’s lack of parenting effort, angry that he thinks it’s ok to use language like that about me, angry that he abuses me when I’m vulnerable, angry that he is such an immature emotionally unsafe person that he’s carrying about this bitterness for YEARS.I’m angry with myself for marrying him, frustrated that in fact we seem no further forward than when we first separated, irritated that his opinion seems to matter (actually his opinion DOESN’T matter, but anyone thinking is ok calling me a c* word gets under my skin)
What is an appropriate response to his apology ? Nothing at all ? An email written and refined detailing exactly how unacceptable I found this? I don’t know. I do know that I FEEL that he has behaved really badly and I have done nothing at all to provoke that. And I do NOT feel like accepting his apology at this point in time…Conversely I really don’t want to be someone who lugs around a shedload of resentments and anger from small things / the past …
But as I say, I realise I don’t know where a healthy line would be drawn…I seem to have missed that developmental stage …Everything feels very raw in the sober world, there’s no numbing effects of drinking, and equally no well of personal experience to draw on… it feels new and my response is not coming instinctively or naturally .. So what would you do ( and why)?