I’m trying to capture a mood today.
As I guess has been evident from my postings I’ve been rather low since Christmas. Not awful low, but flat, apathetic , anxious and a bit disappointed in ‘life’ for want of a better description. Some part of that I have just accepted. Life IS up and own, life in the ‘raw’ IS a bit brutal; the last year has seen a great deal of change for me and been emotionally challenging for all sorts of reasons. In some ways this period of ‘flatness’ and introspection, at a cold miserable dark time of year has probably been necessary. I have visualised myself as a caterpillar – forming a chrysalis and hoping that I will emerge into the light (as a butterfly !!) once the internal chemistry is sorted… Rather fanciful but you get what I mean.
I have been, not exactly wallowing, but blaming myself a LOT for things that have not gone as I would have liked. Been very self critical and negative in the way I have thought about myself. My therapist has challenged this several time, but although I have been able to understand intellectually what she has been saying, it’s been hard to connect emotionally to the tenet that I have been ‘ good enough’ that I have done my best, and that on balance it’s been a reasonable effort.
I have raked over the mistakes I have made, poor decisions I have taken. Reflected on my shortcomings, agonized over the effect on my kids, blamed myself for not being wiser, stronger, having a crystal ball. … Nothing anyone has said has really made much impact on my fundamental belief that I am a bad, feckless, immature stupid person who fucks things up big time and everyone else has to live with the fall out…
Until this week.
All of a sudden, being attacked out of the blue by my ExH has brought a sense of self preservation, pride and a new perspective. The ridiculousness of HIM thinking he can criticise ME, the fury that he (with his convictions for domestic abuse and possession of illegal drugs) stands in judgement on ME . He who let me and the kids down absolutely , repeatedly and completely. He who has abdicated all his responsibilities to his children, financially practically and emotionally…
When HE tells me I’m rubbish.. I come out fighting… and that’s what’s happened. I now look at myself in a different way: instead of taking all the blame I look at how I (and the children) have been let down by an idiot who loved drugs far more than us. He is cross that I met another man after our marriage imploded – well in my current mood my response is ” if you hadn’t destroyed the marriage that would never have happened” …
I feel much stronger, much more robust. I feel more self assured and prepared to stand up for myself.
I’ve done the best I could. I provided a home and love, practical and emotional care – not perfect, but who the hell is …. and my best is actually good enough.
I’d like to harness this feeling and carry it forward. I feel empowered, strong and confident. Sending my response to ExH’s lame apology, acknowledging how I feel, being clear and accepting no crap … feels GOOD !
Day 328 … getting close to a year, and wow how much has changed !