Difficult

I have not written anything for several weeks.

Not because I have fallen off the sober wagon( thank goodness) I’m still dry, and very close to one years continuous sobriety now ( March 12th)

The last two or three weeks have just been very difficult. I’m not sure I can write about all the painful and distressing emotions I have been experiencing; I’m too vulnerable to describe the extent of the verbal and emotional battering I’m getting from son no 2 right now; I’m not at all sure how I feel about it, beyond being upset that he is clearly so angry. He would say that ‘explaining’ things is just me trying to absolve myself of responsibility for a variety of unforgivable omissions and poor decisions. Maybe it would be. So I’ll leave it for now.

I have found myself weeping as I looked for the empathy I have missed from my mother all my life. In the end I think that’s what it boils down to, I have just wanted my mother to say ” Its ok, you are doing alright; this IS hard, it would be hard for anyone” … and I have struggled to accept that she cannot. Not because she is a bad person, but because she either can’t see that I have needed that, or she doesn’t feel it.

I’m feeling a small but significant upturn in mood this week. This maybe because I am on leave from work this week, but I can feel energy returning and I have been very proactive the last few days. Part of me is beginning to truly believe that I need to prioritise myself; that endless trying to provide what I think my children want / need is neither effective, appreciated, or productive. And running around after them all the time, doing everything just makes me cranky.

I’m ploughing on with my therapy – i fond it so helpful, although it sometimes feels like 3 steps forward and then two back.

and I’m gearing up to do what I know I must, blocking my ExP from all contact. I can’t bear to do this. I cant bear to accept that it IS really, finally, completely over.

But I must or I will never be able to move on.

 

 

 

 


11 comments

  1. So lovely to see you back and I’m sorry for the hard times you are expecting with son no2 – teenage years are tough! You are doing so amazing nearly 1 year that is just fantastically brilliant! Keep reminding yourself how strong and determined you are!
    Pancake day tomorrow- –all kids boys girls and age like, see if you can have a fun family evening indulging xx

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  2. I had many years when my daughter was a teen that were so hard! My mom gave me a book called “When Parents Hurt” by Joshua Coleman. It might be of help to you. Know that any self care you allow yourself helps everyone in the end. Much love to you ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry.
    I would like my mother to say the same, but she never will.
    And if I asked her she would tell me I’m being dramatic and attention seeking.

    So I tell myself. Try it. After all, your opinion is truly the only one that matters.

    Sorry about son 2. Don’t accept blame that isn’t yours. You are trying your best.

    Hug hug hug
    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks Anne. Lots of reflection going on. Son2 of course says that ALL the blame IS mine (his fathers perception) and that any attempt to place some elsewhere is indicative of what a liar / hypocrite / evil person I am…

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  4. SO glad to hear you still sober despite how much you are struggling at the moment.
    You have so much to deal with in the present and last emotions so as hard and horrible as it is I do believe these low period are very much an important part of a process in generally becoming more content and confident and true to you! (Including not putting up with manipulative people!)
    It must be so hard having your son saying these things to you but hold on to the fact all this will be better for him in the long run and he’s venting his hurt. It will be okay. X

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