When I wrote my last blog post I was in the middle of a ‘crisis’ and although I was wondering why it had all blown up so huge, I wasn’t able to look with a reflective eye.
Things are calmer now. Since I blocked my Ex Husband, I have had some peace from his messages and an opportunity to gather my thoughts.
It has occurred to me that in the past, my response to the agitation I was feeling would have been to drink. (My response to pretty much anything was to drink if I’m honest) Drinking would have, temporarily at least, reduced my agitation. As I can no longer reduce my agitation by drinking , I’m left with the feelings. And I’m not good at managing my feelings, not good at just ‘sitting’ with them, not good at just waiting for them to pass, not good at self soothing.
I feel a bit better now that I have some understanding of why everything seems to blow up around me. Its because I cant just manage my anxiety / feelings about the situation on my own. I look for support from others, and they, trying to help me escalate the situation. Son 2 doesn’t help – he told school he was suicidal, so we have an appointment on Friday with the child psychiatry team. (And who do you think will be taking him ? Not his father that’s for sure) Sigh
I want a quiet life. I don’t want all this drama. I think I can see how to get closer to that.
I need to work on self care.