Rationalising

When I wrote my last blog post I was in the middle of a ‘crisis’ and although I was wondering  why it had all blown up so huge, I wasn’t able to look with a reflective eye.

Things are calmer now. Since I blocked my Ex Husband, I have had some peace from his messages and an opportunity to gather my thoughts.

It has occurred to me that in the past, my response to the agitation I was feeling would have been to drink. (My response to pretty much anything was to drink if I’m honest) Drinking would have, temporarily at least, reduced my agitation. As I can no longer reduce my agitation by drinking , I’m left with the feelings. And I’m not good at managing my feelings, not good at just ‘sitting’ with them, not good at just waiting for them to pass, not good at self soothing.

I feel a bit better now that I have some understanding of why everything seems to blow up around me. Its because I cant just manage my anxiety / feelings about the situation on my own. I look for support from others, and they, trying to help me escalate the situation. Son 2 doesn’t help – he told school he was suicidal, so we have an appointment on Friday with the child psychiatry team. (And who do you think will be taking him ? Not his father that’s for sure) Sigh

I want a quiet life. I don’t want all this drama. I think I can see how to get closer to that.

I need to work on self care.


5 comments

  1. Hug. I hope son 2 gets help.

    Encourage him to be honest…hopefully he hasn’t gone down this path just looking for attention. Maybe you will get an opportunity to tell him you are on his side, are human too and want to work towards a peaceful future.

    Maybe he is just looking for someone to show him an olive branch….

    Hug
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Take care of yourself. Find a little escape no matter how short. I am so sorry about all this. I had a real blow up with my husband this past weekend, and I couldn’t believe the anger and the emotion that came out of me. And I wanted a drink so bad. I know very different from what you are going through, but I was able to escape for a bit of a day and it really helped.

    You are so amazing!!!! writing all this for the last year, your honesty and openness, I have to believe this will help and certainly with providing an outlet.

    Take care,
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Wishing you peace. I don’t know what else to say. You say you are not good at managing feelings, yet you have successfully got through crises without alcohol. It must have been very hard to avoid the temporary comfort of the bottle, but you did and endured the anxiety and stress. You can and will do it again until it becomes easier, until the feelings become less intense. Ask God for help. You may feel like you are going it alone, but He is there . When I was going through hell and felt completely worthless some one said to me “God didn’t make junk.” Even though I didn’t believe much in God at the time, I kept remembering that phrase.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad you’re on the path to that quiet life you seek. It will come. Drama usually subsides. Not to say life doesn’t throw curveballs, but I think there is a difference between challenges in life and drama. Drama is usually self-perpetuating, but once we throw ourselves to the real work of tackling life, it goes. Children will challenge us, as will ex-es, etc. but we can still move through them with little to no drama.

    I am wishing you the best! I sense things will calm down for you. Prayers out 🙂

    Liked by 1 person


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