Now I have a small window of Clarity, this is what I am thinking.
I have such shit self-esteem that I really struggle to make decisions that go against what anyone else thinks. I don’t trust MY judgement at all. Well deep inside I do , deep inside I think I have good instincts and a good gut reaction to things, but I’m very easily swayed by others opinions / advice and I find it hard to stand firm in the face of opposition.
I say I have shit self-esteem, but this is only at ‘home’. Professionally I’m pretty confident about my judgement and will defend my decision-making, no matter who would question it. Its logical, informed and balanced. Evidence supports this opinion. So why is it so difficult to make hard decisions in my private life ?
I think this was one of the attraction of my ExP; he was so decisive and rarely appeared to doubt his decision-making, no matter who disagreed or questioned it. I felt able to lean on that surety and confidence, because he also believed in a bolstered my decisions (as long as they didn’t clash with his of course) In fact he was often les logical and reasoned that I am, but because he believed wholeheartedly and strongly in himself, somehow that never seemed to matter.
I envy him that self belief
now there is just me, making decisions about my children, for my children that they sometimes disagree with, just me making decisions about day-to-day stuff… and I’m finding it hard to carry through unpopular edicts. No phones at night, no going out till homework done, etc etc They fight against it, I try to be clear and firm but I exhausted and get battered down. This in turn makes me appear weak and gives the impression that I can be battered (verbally) into submission and withdrawal.
I know only I can change this.
I just need to summon up the energy, resolve and determination…