Flat. Low. Apathy

Yesterday was ‘Mothers day’ this side of the pond

My eldest son bought me a beautiful bunch of flowers and a lovely card. My youngest son brought me a coffee in the morning and took the dogs out with me first thing, and son 2 managed civility & a bar of chocolate.

Really I am very blessed.

But flat. So bloody flat.

There are two bottle of wine in the fridge. They have been there since Christmas; gifts that are there for when the odd visitor wants a glass of wine. They haven’t bothered me at all until yesterday, when there was quite an urge to dispel the flatness with a bit of oblivion. I didn’t, and I won’t. I feel strong and very sure I don’t want to drink, but I want SOMETHING … and I’m not sure what it is. I should be content, but I don’t feel it… and I dont really understand why

so I’m going to list my blessings here .. and see if I can dwell on these instead of the nebulous ‘what’s missing ‘ feeling

  • I’m healthy. At least I have no life limiting illness that I know of, and I have my faculties and mobility
  • My children are all alive and well
  • Son 1 is doing pretty good – he’s maturing. Slowly, but it’s happening
  • Son 3 is doing just great
  • Son 2 … well he could be a lot worse
  • My immediate family are well. I have a great brother and sister in law and support there
  • My job is secure, and thus my income
  • we are coming into Summer, the days are getting longer and warmer
  • The doggies are gorgeous and love me !
  • I have some lovely, kind & supportive friends

As I’m writing this, something is stirring at the back of my head… some thought that I can’t quite catch hold of Something I’m feeling, something that might be at the root of what’s bothering me … I’m going to try and capture it ….


7 comments

  1. I know exactly what you mean. It seems like drinking and trying not to drink takes so much of your time that when it’s gone, it leaves a big hole of time and effort. What do you do with it? After you heal for a while, you kind of get ready to launch, but you haven’t really given much thought about where you are launching because life has been about survival and recovery. Now you’re faced with being able to carry through on real decisions, with almost no preparation on how to move forward. It’s like suddenly being on the high-dive after looking at it for years from below.

    “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

    That’s where I am today as well. I’m trying to look at this discontent as the stirrings of great things to come. It’s the energy of potential. We’ve had to concentrate for so long on protecting ourselves, but maybe it’s time to own this new strength. After years of being an unwilling passenger in life, it could be time to drive.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Get rid of the wine. Guests don’t need booze. Honestly. Protect yourself.

    Gratitude is great, but it’s ok to still feel flat and down. You are going through some hard shit. Even if everything else was roses it would still be hard.

    So it’s good to look at the good things, but don’t feel bad you are down. Take it as a sign you still need more rest and support.

    Hugs
    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Lily this really resonated with me – especially the word oblivion. That is exactly the word I used last week when all of a sudden I had a really strong craving for wine. It wasn’t actually the wine I was craving but the oblivion it would bring. I am not sure whether the need for oblivion is a problem in itself but it’s doesn’t feel very healthy. I think I need to do some work on this.

    Your list of blessings is wonderful.

    Love Tori xxx

    P.S. As Anne says I would ditch the wine. I do not for one minute imagine you are going to drink but why have the stuff around – for me it’s just not worth it. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sometimes it’s pointless fighting the flat. I was actually just messaging someone saying that ‘flat’ parts of my life I find the hardest. The lowest, the fight – that I can do! But the more you fight against it, the more frustrated you get. Sometimes you just need to hold on and it will pass. Don’t try to convince yourself you should feel different. Sometimes our minds just need a rest, from being positive, from planning, from being sad, excited. Just need to zone out and turn into that ‘duuuuuhhhhhh’ dull frequency (not sure how well my sound came across πŸ˜‰ ) xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I agree with Anne, chuck the wine out. Visitors can drink juice or water, you don’t have to keep alcohol in the house for visitors, that’s just playing with fire. Glad you are seeing some light but it’s true that it’s ok to feel crappy when things are difficult. I keep a gratitude journal and write 3 things I am grateful for every day. This has really helped me to shift myself out of a depression and into a neutral gear.

    Like


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