This is one of the things that has been occupying my mind a bit / a lot in the last few days / weeks.
It’s about my ex partner.
Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, will know that when I decided to quit drinking I was living with my partner, and that 5 months into my sobriety the strain of his poor relationship with my eldest son and his lack of gainful employment / income resulted in me ending that relationship and asking him to move out. We had been together for almost 6 years at that time.
I am quite sure that being sober gave me the clarity of thought and the courage to call time of an increasingly unhappy relationship that, by this time, was bringing out the worst sides of both of us and making me, at least, wretched. I tried SO hard to MAKE it work, and it was only when I was sober and cognisant that I was able to see that I could NOT “make” it work, and that my partner was too angry / stubborn / to change and my son was unwilling to do anything to improve things. The only way was out.
When he left I was very, very angry. I think the anger has come through in this blog on many occasions. I was angry with him for not changing, for not recognising that the situation was intolerable, angry with him for not changing his vocational plane /not earning, angry with him for not talking to me and, as I saw it, ignoring my distress. I’ve been in weekly therapy for 7 months now dealing with that anger, frustration and grief.
I’m not the same person as I was in August.
As the feelings of anger fade, some of the good stuff that we had comes back into focus. You know that stuff that pulled you together in the first place.
I’m not sure what to do with those thoughts. When I met my exP, I really fell in love with him. I can’t put my finger on why especially, all I can say is that he felt like my perfect fit. The person I was supposed to be with. I know that sounds fanciful and slightly deluded, but thats how it felt. We knew instinctively what the other was thinking, finished one anothers sentences, were in complete harmony and at peace when we were together. I’ve never travelled with anyone I found so ‘easy’ to be with, so easy to just be myself with.
When the latest palaver with my ex husband blew up, I had support from many people, but the support I most wanted, the hug I needed, was from him. The peace and security of being with that one person who was with me, loved me and would support me whatever.
It all went so wrong, and we hurt one another and stopped being able to talk or communicate. We stopped being able to support each other because we were both too upset and angry.
I dont know for sure how he feels, but I think its the same as me. I miss him.
I have no idea what to do about it.
I do know we can’t go back to how we were, and he can’t live with us again. I’m not willing to financially support him again. But I can’t help wondering if we could pick out the good bits, see one another, talk and see what happens. It seems that despite all the pain, and despite knowing and detailing all his faults … and all the barriers …. its not over for me …
Is this actually love ? Accepting all the bad points, all the difficulties and loving someone anyway?
Or is this the way that madness lies ?