Love, Actually ?

This is one of the things that has been occupying my mind a bit / a lot in the last few days / weeks.

It’s about my ex partner.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, will know that when I decided to quit drinking I was living with my partner, and that 5 months into my sobriety the strain of his poor relationship with my eldest son and his lack of gainful employment / income resulted in me ending that relationship and asking him to move out. We had been together for almost 6 years at that time.

I am quite sure that being sober gave me the clarity of thought and the courage to call time of an increasingly unhappy relationship that, by this time, was bringing out the worst sides of both of us and making me, at least, wretched. I tried SO hard to MAKE it work, and it was only when I was sober and cognisant that I was able to see that I could NOT “make” it work, and that my partner was too angry / stubborn / to change and my son was unwilling to do anything to improve things. The only way was out.

When he left I was very, very angry. I think the anger has come through in this blog on many occasions. I was angry with him for not changing, for not recognising that the situation was intolerable, angry with him for not changing his vocational plane /not earning, angry with him for not talking to me and, as I saw it, ignoring my distress. I’ve been in weekly therapy for 7 months now dealing with that anger, frustration and grief.

I’m not the same person as I was in August.

As the feelings of anger fade, some of the good stuff that we had comes back into focus. You know that stuff that pulled you together in the first place.

I’m not sure what to do with those thoughts. When I met my exP, I really fell in love with him. I can’t put my finger on why especially, all I can say is that he felt like my perfect fit. The person I was supposed to be with. I know that sounds fanciful and slightly deluded, but thats how it felt. We knew instinctively what the other was thinking, finished one anothers sentences, were in complete harmony and at peace when we were together. I’ve never travelled with anyone I found so ‘easy’ to be with, so easy to just be myself with.

When the latest palaver with my ex husband blew up, I had support from many people, but the support I most wanted, the hug I needed, was from him. The peace and security of being with that one person who was with me, loved me and would support me whatever.

It all went so wrong, and we hurt one another and stopped being able to talk or communicate. We stopped being able to support each other because we were both too upset and angry.

I dont know for sure how he feels, but I think its the same as me. I miss him.

I have no idea what to do about it.

I do know we can’t go back to how we were, and he can’t live with us again. I’m not willing to financially support him again. But I can’t help wondering if we could pick out the good bits, see one another, talk and see what happens. It seems that despite all the pain, and despite knowing and detailing all his faults … and all the barriers …. its not over for me …

Is this actually love ? Accepting all the bad points, all the difficulties and loving someone anyway?

Or is this the way that madness lies ?


  1. This is something for you to determine, but consider that perhaps when you first met he consciously said and did what you wanted to win you over…and then allowed his true self to come through.

    It is worth honestly asking yourself who he really is, deep down. Do you know?

    You are building such a strong base for yourself. You do not need anyone else to tell you that. You wouldn’t believe it anyway, as your personal acceptance and belief is all that truly matters.

    Hugs. Keep taking care of yourself.

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    • I know him Anne. I know him inside out. I know that he can be selfish, stubborn, unreasonable and harsh. I know he has a temper. I also know he is loyal, snd can be supportive kind and thoughtful . It’s a strange feeling to love someone despite all their faults. I think we were in a situation that brought out the worst in us both. Removed from that situation the poor character traits are once again in their place. St least that’s how I feel now. We’ll see. 🌷x


  2. For what it’s worth- I think that you are in a low place right now. It’s easy to pick out the good things. Ii had good times with my ex- but would not want to be in a relationship with him. In my mind, because your ex had such a volatile relationship with your son- he was not supportive of you. I understand wanting to be comforted. And by him- but I wonder if you are being totally honest with yourself right now.
    I think this is something you need to through- to get through on your you are going through so much right now! Give yourself some time..,

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  3. Now the anger has gone it is easy to remember the good parts. You are left wondering if that is love. I had a friend who was very controlling and spoke to me in a condescending manner. I walked away from the friendship. After a long period I started remembering all the good things about her. I missed her. So I contacted her and we arranged to meet. Very quickly I realised why I had walked away the first time. It is easy to look back and only see the good. You left for a reason.

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  4. Whatever comes of the situation, your hard work and commitment to sobriety is to be commended. During tough times, it would hve been easy to go back to drinking. But you didn’t. You have been strong and moved on – congratulations for sticking to your truth. All the best. 🙂

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  5. Lily I think that the feelings you are describing and the process of disentangling yourself from your partner are exactly the same as those of ending a love affair with alcohol. I know that after 7 months of stopping drinking I did start thinking “what if?” “Could I just drink occasionally ?”, “We had so many good times – I miss them”… You get the picture.

    From time to time I still have those thoughts and it’s so so hard.

    We have seen people go back to drinking after decent chunks of sobriety but I can’t think of anyone for whom it’s worked out. I think that what you are imagining with your ex is effectively moderation and you and I (and probably everyone else here) know that doesn’t work.

    Tread carefully. You are very vulnerable. Remember you need to treat yourself gently and kindly. You and your sobriety are precious Lily – remember that. Xxx

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