Today I had my therapy session.
I have been very ashamed of my feelings regarding my exPartner. I think that I should NOT still care for him and should firmly reject any contact. But thats not how I feel. At all.
I discussed this with my therapist this evening,
For the first time in my adult life I feel I have a place where I can say what I genuinely feel and I will not be judged , whatever it is. I can be honest. Its not that I cant be honest with other people, just that I am sometimes guarded when I am asked about things I feel ashamed of, or anxious about. Things that I disapprove of, or worry about in myself. Im judging myself and therefor I imagine that others will judge me as harshly as I do myself… of course they don’t in real life. But I grew up with a father who was not emotionally available and a mother for whom nothing I did was ever good enough … and many things were positively BAD …
The problem is mine, I expect (with my head) that others will NOT judge me, but I am afraid (in my heart, because I feel so basically worthless) that they WILL , so I keep quiet, share half of the truth, carry the rest by myself.
Talking to Angela, being honest about how I feel about my ExP NOW. ( Confused, guarded; happy, safe, affirmed when I am with him) has really helped me. She helped me to see that it’s natural to have confused feelings, that this bargaining – maybe I can have some part of that relationship – is actually normal and natural and I should accept it, but recognise MY boundaries. Those boundaries are very clear and I feel confident I will hold to them ( at least partly because I would feel angry and resentful all over again if I did not)
In the past I was afraid that ExP would walk away if I did not do as he wanted. That he was only with me for security, financial and otherwise. Now a) I’m not providing anything to him , so if he wants to see me it is for ME and that is confidence boosting and b) I know I can manage if he does walk away. The balance of power has shifted in my head and I feel that we are much more equal on an emotional level.
We also talked about the negative side of this. It stops me from moving on; but maybe I need to explore this relationship breakup, truly understand it, truly work through it before I even think about moving on anyway/. I will not live with anyone again until my children are not living at home, so I have lots of time to sort myself out.
Today I’m really happy that I’m sober. I really feel that I have made enormous progress in the right way and I’m much clearer about what I want and that I have a right to ask for what I need.
onwards and upwards.