Affirmation

Today I had my therapy session.

I have been very ashamed of my feelings regarding my exPartner. I think that I should NOT still care for him and should firmly reject any contact. But thats not how I feel. At all.

I discussed this with my therapist this evening,

For the first time in my adult life I feel I have a place where I can say what I genuinely feel and I will not be judged , whatever it is. I can be honest. Its not that I cant be honest with other people, just that I am sometimes guarded when I am asked about things I feel ashamed of, or anxious about. Things that I disapprove of, or worry about in myself. Ā Im judging myself and therefor I imagine that others will judge me as harshly as I do myself… of course they don’t in real life. But I grew up with a father who was not emotionally available and a mother for whom nothing I did was ever good enough … and many things were positively BAD …

The problem is mine, I expect (with my head) that others will NOT judge me, but I am afraid (in my heart, because I feel so basically worthless) that they WILL , so I keep quiet, share half of the truth, carry the rest by myself.

Talking to Angela, being honest about how I feel about my ExP NOW. ( Confused, guarded; happy, safe, affirmed when I am with him) has really helped me. She helped me to see that it’s natural to have confused feelings, that this bargaining – maybe I can have some part of that relationship – is actually normal and natural and I should accept it, but recognise MY boundaries. Those boundaries are very clear and I feel confident I will hold to them ( at least partly because I would feel angry and resentful all over again if I did not)

In the past I was afraid that ExP would walk away if I did not do as he wanted. That he was only with me for security, financial and otherwise. Now a) I’m not providing anything to him , so if he wants to see me it is for ME and that is confidence boosting and b) I know I can manage if he does walk away. The balance of power has shifted in my head and I feel that we are much more equal on an emotional level.

We also talked about the negative side of this. It stops me from moving on; but maybe I need to explore this relationship breakup, truly understand it, truly work through it before I even think about moving on anyway/. I will not live with anyone again until my children are not living at home, so I have lots of time to sort myself out.

Today I’m really happy that I’m sober. I really feel that I have made enormous progress in the right way and I’m much clearer about what I want and that I have a right to ask for what I need.

onwards and upwards.

 

 


9 comments

  1. It is so helpful to have a good therapist that you trust. Mine is very important to me. She helped me immensely…mostly just by letting my talk myself out.
    Gentle. Self compassion. Just being. They are hard concepts, but bring so much freedom.

    One thing…however you feel is always ok. I know sometimes I wish I felt differently, but I it is the wishing I was different that hurts me, not the anger/ sadness/ etc. Those are just fleeting feelings.

    Pema Chodron’ book the places that scare you was very helpful for me.

    Love to you
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. this was such a beautiful sentence: “Today Iā€™m really happy that Iā€™m sober. I really feel that I have made enormous progress in the right way and Iā€™m much clearer about what I want and that I have a right to ask for what I need.” šŸ™‚ sending good thoughts from out west.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so very glad that you found that safe space. I loved my therapists. I was always truly honest with them at first, but in the end, when I could finally admit my alcohol issues, the real work could take place. It’s also wonderful when you have someone who seems a fit for you. It does take time, and it will be *work* at times. And that is where the real unpacking begins. A good therapist will listen, but also ask questions to have you figure stuff out. It’s powerful, and can be such a support. I am glad you are finding some clarity. More will be revealed!

    Liked by 1 person


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