Finding me….

This is what I’m doing. 

What do I want? What do I need? What sustains me? What drains my energy?

Now this process could have begun a long time ago as it does for many people (most people) but people with addiction issues run away from some of life’s difficult decisions and hide Ina glass / bottle / cocktail. So now I’m sober – 383 days sober,I’m doing what I should have done a long time ago – and looking st myself.

What do I see

I see a woman who is vulnerable. I see a woman who has a cyclothymic personality – i.e. Very up and down. I see a woman who is loyal , honest, kind and generous. I see a woman who feels passionately and is struggling to deal with the emotions generated by ‘normal life’. I see a woman who has raft of insecurities about her weight and body image, but also about her past choices , her parenting, her relationships. 

I’m beginning to look at my part in the breakdown of my marriage; how my personality and actions impacted on my family. I’m Not blaming myself at all, but I’m looking at my traits which allowed me to give a man I was afraid of and no longer loved back into my and my children’s home. 

Why do I find it so hard to enforce and stick to the boundaries I believe to be right . …

This is an interesting question. I don’t yet know why, where this enormous fear of abandonment comes from

 Because at the bottom of all this mess is that basic problem. I’m like a child, terrified of abandonment. 


5 comments

  1. I think our greatest fear is being abandoned, alone. I think you are at a stage where the anger towards your ExP has extinguished and you are left with feelings that you can not understand. Is it love? It could just be peace, acceptance. Only you know. Give it time.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Step 4 is all about self awareness. The positive and the traits we don’t really like, but have.

    It’s worth looking at a step workbook to see how this might help. The women’s way through the 12 steps is very good.

    I feel like I’m still meeting myself too. I stifled a lot for years, trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. It’s hard to remember who I was to begin with.

    Time. Patience and lost and lots of self compassion. You clearly are a intelligent, kind woman.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person


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