My thoughts are all over the place so this will probably be a disjointed post
there are several things in my head at the moment that I will just spill out…
We don’t see ourselves as others see us. This is suddenly really obvious to me. Walking last weekend with K in the park, she was talking about her work. My friend K is an astonishingly capable woman; I don’t want to risk her being identified so I will just say she has a career in media and latterly in marketing and communications. She has many talents but three stand out to me. 1, She can see straight to the heart of difficult issues and put her finger right on the problem. This is evident in her personal relationships and constructive advice, and in her work 2. She thinks laterally and can develop solutions quickly and effectively 3. she can spot trends… see whats round the corner in terms of popular culture.
To me, K is extremely employable. she has a great CV, is personable, works hard and has a track record of success, she has worked in many different environments and has a lot to offer.
She doesn’t see herself like that.
She lacks confidence, not I think in her ability, but in her employ ability. Its a very real fear and anxiety she has in a fluctuating jobs market. She has not been out of work, so really she should be confident. But shes not.
K sees me differently to how I see myself. She thinks I am worth better than my exP and am short changing myself if I chose him. She sees in me qualities I really can’t see, appreciate or acknowledge.
This theme comes up repeatedly in my therapy. The lack of self confidence and self worth.
bear with me, I’m going somewhere with this..
Last weekend I went out for the day with my exP. We went to London to an art exhibition and then had lunch together (he paid). Honestly, It was a really lovely day. We talked and talked, about trivial things and about our relationship and its breakdown; this is the first time we have managed to do that and It was important to me to talk some parts through. I felt utterly safe, protected and complete when I was with him. We parted at the end of the day and I went back to real life.
I have been thinking a lot about how I felt when i was with him. My brother just said ‘Why?’ (good question) and K says he is not good enough for me. I have read back many of the blog posts in which I poured out my hurt, anger and resentment about our past relationship and those that document my slow crawl back to a stable emotional platform (sort of). All those things are true. So Why?
Is it because I need to understand what happened? (Although we were only together 6 years, I truly truly believed we would be together for ever and somehow I struggle to accept that’s not going to happen)
Why is it important for me to feel ‘safe’ ? What does ‘safe’ actually mean? I have identified an almost childlike need to be ‘protected’ by a father figure… to be looked after. Is that part of all of us? Why does this man fulfill that need in me so well ? And why does that fulfillment trump all the other (logical ) negatives about him?
And to pick up the thread above, is it lack of self belief, lack of self confidence that has meant that childlike part has never been dealt with and developed into a more adult emotional need?
In answer to the inevitable questions,
- are we “together” ? No. But neither are seeing anyone else
- Are we more than ‘friends’ yes, but in a limited way.
- Is he moving back in , No never ( we both felt this was impossible)
- will I financially support him ? No.
- Will I see him again? yes, but again in a limited way. Days out, walking the dog, a coffee in town … as schedules allow….
I discussed this at length in my therapy. Angela joins the list of ‘Why’ I think, though she is neutral and measured in her discussions. She looks into my past for possible “seeds” and reasons why I am as I am, She looks at my emotionally absent father and my critical mother as potential causes of my lack of self worth. Wherever it comes from, I need to change it, develop my capacity to forgive myself (as I would unquestionably believe others should be forgiven) learn to value what I am, and not judge myself so harshly for every error.
And where does alcohol fit in all of this? I’m thinking more about the ‘never’ decision. I have successfully avoided thinking about ‘never again’ for the last 390 days… but now its popping into my mind pretty often. At times I even WANT to drink. I won’t, but sobriety seems like a pain right now. I want to drink and be drunk and carefree.
And then I remind myself that it won;t be one drink, it won’t ever be “just one”, It won’t be “just for special treat” , it won’t be ” Just this weekend”. If I drink I will blow it, within a month (maybe less) I will be back to a bottle of sav blanc a night and all the anxiety and despair that caused.. so why am I even thinking about it ? and why now…
Like I said ; all over the place