I have written in the last few weeks about how my ex partner makes me feel ‘safe’; several people have commented on this and asked me ‘why?’. My therapist picked this up and asked similar.
What do I mean by ‘safe’, why is it important to me and why do I think he, pretty uniquely, makes me feel this way ?
I think I feel ‘unsafe’ quite a lot of the time. I make decisions that I cant stick with, I am easily swayed by other, contrary opinions, I find it hard in my personal life to be confident that what I feel or think has much weight or is very important. The kids, particularly son~2, are adept at pressuring me in to changing my decisions once made.
ExP is very decisive. He holds an opinion and is not able to be pressured into changing his mind. He knows what he believes. This certainty and conviction ( when its weighed in on my side) is very very attractive. It makes me feel safe. As though my thoughts and opinions have more value because he supports them and as though I’m not on my own.
Being ‘on my own’ is quite a big theme for me at the moment. I’m really conscious of trying to be both male and female parents to my boys, and that, as a woman I simply cannot be a male role model to my sons . Added to the fact that their father is so completely useless as a role model (rather is is a positively negative influence), and I’m left feeling that, due to my own stupidity in choosing such a mate and father to my children there is a big gap in their lives. More of that stupid relentless self blame in another post.
So that’s one thing, he adds weight and surety to my decision making.
Physically he makes me feel safe. He is 6’2″ to my 5’3 (on a good day) Hes stronger, more powerful, just bigger than me. Sometimes I feel vulnerable, weak & small … he makes me feel protected and safe …There is something quite basic about this feeling, very simple but very important.
And whilst I’m with him, now at least, I feel valuable. Like I matter. Like I’m not alone.
I think there is more, but that’s the basics. What does it mean ? I don’t really know. Picking it apart a bit in therapy there are somethings which are quite normal, and some others which are fall out from my own poor self image and self esteem. … Back to that again … always back to that