I have written in the last few weeks about how my ex partner makes me feel ‘safe’; several people have commented on this and asked me ‘why?’. My therapist picked this up and asked similar.

What do I mean by ‘safe’, why is it important to me and why do I think he, pretty uniquely, makes me feel this way ?

I think I feel ‘unsafe’ quite a lot of the time. I make decisions that I cant stick with, I am easily swayed by other, contrary opinions, I find it hard in my personal life to be confident that what I feel or think has much weight or is very important. The kids, particularly son~2,  are adept at pressuring me in to changing my decisions once made.

ExP is very decisive. He holds an opinion and is not able to be pressured into changing his mind. He knows what he believes. This certainty and conviction ( when its weighed in on my side) is very very attractive. It makes me feel safe. As though my thoughts and opinions have more value because he supports them and as though I’m not on my own.

Being ‘on my own’ is quite  a big theme for me at the moment. I’m really conscious of trying to be both male and female parents to my boys, and that, as a woman I simply cannot be a male role model to my sons . Added to the fact that their father is so completely useless as a role model (rather is is a positively negative influence), and I’m left feeling that, due to my own stupidity in choosing such a mate and father to my children there is a big gap in their lives. More of that stupid relentless self blame in another post.

So that’s one thing, he adds weight and surety to my decision making.

Physically he makes me feel safe. He is 6’2″ to my 5’3 (on a good day) Hes stronger, more powerful, just bigger than me. Sometimes I feel vulnerable, weak & small … he makes me feel protected and safe …There is something quite basic about this feeling, very simple but very important.

And whilst I’m with him,  now at least, I feel valuable. Like I matter. Like I’m not alone.

I think there is more, but that’s the basics. What does it mean ? I don’t really know. Picking it apart a bit in therapy there are somethings which are quite normal, and some others which are fall out from my own poor self image and self esteem. … Back to that again … always back to that


  1. I think it’s very not,although to want to feel protected and taken care of. It means we don’t have to do anything. And we have someone to blame (or at least commiserate) when things go wrong.
    Keep building your foundation. You are a strong, intelligent person. You do not need anyone to make you that way. You already are.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. When you look at the famous Maslow’s triangle there of human needs, security / safety is the second largest need. So I don’t think you are off base at all to want to feel secure in all areas. We all want to feel that we have a sense that no harm will come to us, that we are protected. But that doesn’t mean to be in a shell! I understand what you mean about people who can make a decision – it’s something I found both attractive (in a platonic / professional way) and beguiling. I could never make a proper decision, even on the smallest things. But here are these *aliens* who do it all the time, and on big things! Now, having said that, before we revere them and all, they too make mistakes. And there is something also about being humble and open-minded to other possibilities. Being rigid does no good either.

    Anyway, change is always afoot, and often our vulnerabilities turn out to be our strengths. I have learned over the last few years to stand my ground when necessary, to be bending at other times, and to tap into my authentic me and make those decisions. Doesn’t happen overnight! But we get there 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My husband has always done the same for me. With his support behind my opinion I feel safe. Without it I feel vulnerable. Last night he drank so much he went in to a silent coma like existence and I was left to fend for myself against accusations made against me by my drunken sister. I was so lost. I needed my husband. He wasn’t there. So I really do know how you are feeling. I get it totally.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My first husband helped me to feel safe in the way you described. He seemed so sure of himself and decisive, while I appeared to flounder my way through life. As years went by I accepted his decisions and dominance. I became unhappy. When I finally got therapy and anti depressants I realized we were locked in an unhealthy relationship. He couldn’t handle the strong assertive person that emerged. Years after divorce I married a humble man, kind and caring, but strong emotionally. I remember the therapist who guided me through divorce telling me to look for a man who is emotionally strong…I did, and have never felt safer or happier.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.