I have now been completely sober for 400 days
The shine is really wearing off relentless sobriety, or perhaps ive not yet realised the full potential of being 100% “present
Either way – this, THIS ….. is NOT what I was promised …
Indulge me: I’m sure I could write this the “other way” and extole the virtues and multiple benefits off all these sober weeks … they are there I know… but right close to the surface right now … it’s tough..
I’m stuck in a kind of restless agitated boredom, can’t move on, can’t go back. Something needs to change, but I’m paralysed by fear anxiety and indecision. So many past decisions have not been great, I can’t cope with another “error”, or perhaps more accurately I can’t cope with the emotional beating I will give myself if things don’t go to plan. I don’t feel that well this weekend and I’m grinding my teeth in frustration that I can motivate myself to do neither what I want to, nor what I should. Instead I’m drifting about in a slightly off kilter haze – headachy and tired (despite 11 hours deep un-interrupted sleep last night) feeling irritable, over emotional, frustrated and bovine.
I just feel like being drunk would be nice. Not clever, not advisable … but nice … just to drop all this bloody misery and angst, and just get a bit pissed …
The whole “Forever” thing is weighing very heavily on me too. For ever ? No alcohol ever ever again? No slightly giggly ordering of the second bottle, no champagne before holidays ? No cocktails with a kick in the evening … never ?
Why is it all such bloody hard work ? Why did I get stuck with a bloody drug addict for a husband? Wallow wallow wallow. Menopausal hormone swings. Old age staring me in the face, bloody sober, dull, joyless old age …..
and I’ve done 400 days of this. When is it going to get better ?