400 days – four hundred ; FOUR HUNDRED BLASTED DAYS

I have now been completely sober for 400 days 

The shine is really wearing off relentless sobriety, or perhaps ive not yet realised the full potential of being 100% “present

Either way – this, THIS ….. is NOT what I was promised … 

Indulge me: I’m sure I could write this the “other way” and extole the virtues and multiple benefits off all these sober weeks … they are there I know… but right close to the surface right now … it’s tough..

I’m stuck in a kind of restless agitated boredom, can’t move on, can’t go back. Something needs to change, but I’m paralysed by fear anxiety and indecision. So many past decisions have not been great, I can’t cope with another “error”, or perhaps more accurately I can’t cope with the emotional beating I will give myself if things don’t go to plan. I don’t feel that well this weekend and I’m grinding my teeth in frustration that I can motivate myself to do neither what I want to, nor what I should. Instead I’m drifting about in a slightly off kilter haze – headachy and tired (despite 11 hours deep un-interrupted sleep last night) feeling irritable, over emotional, frustrated and bovine. 

I just feel like being drunk would be nice. Not clever, not advisable … but nice … just to drop all this bloody misery and angst, and just get a bit pissed …

The whole “Forever” thing is weighing very heavily on me too. For ever ? No alcohol ever ever again? No slightly giggly ordering of the second bottle, no champagne before holidays ? No cocktails with a kick in the evening … never ?   

Why is it all such bloody hard work ? Why did I get stuck with a bloody drug addict for a husband? Wallow wallow wallow. Menopausal hormone swings. Old age staring me in the face, bloody sober, dull, joyless old age ….. 

and I’ve done 400 days of this. When is it going to get better ? 

 

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17 comments

  1. Fuck that, excuse my language. A drink wouldn’t be nice. Play that video all the way through. It never ends with one drink. It never did for me. It’s a landslide of more drinks, eventually drugs and a state of mind where I no longer want to live.

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  2. Mark is right, it never ends with one. And think about how you would feel the next day if you gave in. Don’t think about forever right now, that’s why they say one day at a time. Just for today be sober. It sounds like you need to find something that’s fun in your life. Being sober and fun is possible. I know it takes time, but it’s so great when you find your sober thing💛

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  3. This mood will pass but good to express it and wallowing is okay and necessary! You were one of the first comments when I started my blog last spring and have been so inspiring to me, even during my times of failure. I’m kicking off a new year today and I look forward to continuing to read your stories! You have come soo far. Even though life may feel “off” right now, the alcohol won’t fix it and you know it will just set you back! Hugs!!

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  4. You must work the 12 Step Program as laid out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Go to meetings. Get a sponsor. Without working those steps into your life you will continue to suffer as a SOBER ALCOHOLIC. Alcoholism doesn’t stop when the drinking does. THE ROOT CAUSE OF THE DRINKING YOU DID IS STILL THERE. Being a dry drunk can be a hellish suffering. The steps are the treatment.

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  5. I hear you struggling and I wish it was easier. I wish it was easier for me too! I don’t think about never ever. I just turn one drink at time by asking myself “Is this gonna make things better or worse?” So far the answer is “worse”. Though I get the desire to blur the sharp edges of life sometimes. I’m just taking it on faith that life is gonna get better if I keep choosing not to drink.

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  6. i like your honesty. i am following lots of blogs and get sometimes disengaged with the whole sobersphere when reading all the happy stuff and how great life is without booze.
    imho life is not always great, boring at times and can suck big time.
    feeling those things sucks.

    guess i’m still learning that times without drama’s or super duper exciting stuff are good too. not boring, not dreading but sort of content (black white thinking anyone?).

    guess i’m also learning that feelings come and go. and ARE ending (but i never believe that when i’m in the midst of ‘nothing has changed – it never gets better’)

    take care Lily. personally i don’t think drinking will help you getting further 😉

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  8. Hugs, Lily. Could it be PAWS making you feel this way?
    BTW, feel free to ignore the AA promoting person above, , unless you feel you want to go to AA, as that comment was really not very kind or helpful.
    I’m happier than I’ve ever been most days, but yes some days are shit. I’d still rather her have a sober shit day than a drinking shit day, though.
    xxx

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    • You are right, of course! I’m neutral about AA to be honest. I dont beleive itsth e’only way’ – Ive done 401 days without, bt I do think the support helps a lot of people. I don’t say never, I say that right now I don’t have the time or inclination to add another ‘obligation’ to my over busy life ….

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  9. Hey! You’ve got a long way to go before you hit “old age” (and I can say that, being older than you!)

    I’m glad that today is better. Remember, we all have bad days. Teetotallers have bad days. Social drinkers have them. Problem drinkers have them. Alcoholics have them. It’s life; it’s not the lack of drink. And life wasn’t that shit hot when you were drinking, was it?!

    (btw, “normal” drinkers don’t order a second bottle!)

    If 400 days is weighing heavily, is it time to stop counting the individual days?

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  10. We’re human, hence we have bad days. Meh. I get them and often they have nothing to do with my alcoholism. It just is. How I react to them is all on me. So I know some days I choose to be in a funk. But that’s me and I know I have my faults.

    But like everyone here said, there is no point in going back to our default in having a drink (I love what Annie says about normal drinkers ordering a second bottle…ha ha very true). One drink is never enough, so I leave it at just not picking up. And yeah, not everything is roses and unicorns in sobriety land. But I know that I have bad hours and bad days, but great months and years. It used to be the opposite back in the day.

    Don’t think about forever. Think about today and the rest will take care of itself 🙂

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