401 days today. And a (much) better day today …
I wish I could find some equilibrium. When the bad days (like yesterday) come, I’m as raw and as edgy as I was when newly sober. There is no balance, I cant make myself believe it will pass, I can’t be kind to myself with any conviction, I can’t settle to anything (useful or otherwise) and I’m just looking desperately for something / anything to ‘self medicate’ the anxiety / distress.
I don’t know what I expect really ; In an ideal world some serenity, some courage of my convictions, some inner peace and sense of purpose. If anything I feel more adrift, less sure of myself and more indecisive than I ever remember. I can’t stick to anything at all, I cant use my time purposefully, even the simplest and most benign committment seems like a mountain to climb.
What would I like to do ? I’d like to get back to Yoga, and headspace meditation; but I lack the motivation and inner peace (and my right hip is bloody painful which limits the yoga somewhat)… I’d like to keep the house cleaner and tidier – but its a thankless task tidying up after three teenagers, assorted friends and two dogs – it frustrates and annoys me… Id like to be a bit creative – maybe get my paints out …but again I lack the motivation or drive to actually get the paints out…. I need a hair cut, I need to sort out some tax stuff, I have to cancel stuff relating to the old car etc etc… but another day passes and nothing gets done, adding to the general irritation levels. (with myself)
Do I think drinking would help? Of course not.
I stopped drinking for lots of reasons, and none of those have changed. Its just that the novelty of waking up clear headed, the loss of the creeping anxiety, the fear that something bad would happen, the shame of being ‘out of control’ – those initial big ‘wins’ have become , well humdrum. Expected. I’ve forgotten how awful I felt every single day before I quit.
Now I’m remembering the bits that were, well nice… because, lets face it, there ARE bits about drinking that were / are nice.. If there weren’t no one would do it at all now would they …. But like someone said, I have never been one of those drinkers who could stop after one or two ….or limit my drinking to one of two days a week. And one thing I DO know for sure, I was a problem drinker from the first day I tasted alcohol (aged 14), and I would be a problem drinker again the minute I started drinking again…
So, not much option there then… onwards, and hopefully upwards. 401 days down…. And as it says at the top of this page… I need to try and enjoy the many many many things I have going for me… the lack of alcohol is really SUCH a first world problem ….