It’s half term here in the U.K. and the boys and I have decamped to an island bolthole. The younger two have a friend each with them, someone to hang out with and keep them from squabbling with each other.
It has the added advantage that it leaves me with time to just “be”.
This is MY week, to recharge, to sleep, to think, to sketch / paint, to reset. My opportunity to deal with a few creeping cross addictions ( food, cigarettes …. ) my chance to reflect and take some time … when there are few conflicting responsibilities and nothing I HAVE to achieve.
I’m moving forward in lots of ways, but it is not easy. I feel like I’m swimming through treacle to make any small headway – after the initial euphoria of being dry, the ‘wow, I can do this’ kind of feeling, has come the daily grind of managing every situation / experience stone cold sober. similarly, with the termination of my relationship, the initial relief gave way to the daily grind and practicalities of managing a FT job, three teenage sons, two dogs and a home … I don’t cope that well.
It’s funny, there is a relief in admitting that I am not my mother who seemed to manage everything going on in her life,with no complaint… she who spent evenings on her knees cleaning the kitchen floor whilst her husband and children watched TV… I am not this paragon of responsibility and selfless sacrifice. I need space to myself, I get thoroughly fed up with trying to make my two eldest kids pull their weight (and I resent them for refusing) I need sleep, need downtime and I can’t (and don’t want to ) subjugate my entire life and needs to my kids – I am In fact Inherently a LOT more selfish than my mother , my role model (as a child) of how a woman SHOULD be .
And therein , I think, has lain some of the issue. I have constantly felt lacking because I am NOT so self sacrificing. So, at least I part,I have tried to force myself to be … and force it the square peg into the round hole .. it doesn’t work.
I have realised that I am more selfish that my mother … but I am also less passive aggressive, less controlling and a lot more accepting of the differences between my kids and I …swings and roundabouts …
There is much to think about here …