I have many unanswered questions in relation to my Ex Partner. Many. Far too many to write here. Maybe we all have questions about the motivations, behaviour or attitudes of our loved ones.
The struggle for me to ‘get answers’ to ‘understand’ has been woven through this period of separation. My tendency to intellectualise my own decision making means that I could probably tell you why I have made most of the decisions that I have in my adult life. I might no longer agree with the reasoning, but I can tell you what it was.
I understand now that I will not GET answers, or not ones that make any sense to me. I will not be able to understand why, because I am not him. No doubt to him his behaviour makes sense – certainly he has normalised things that are very far from normal to most people. But in the end, it’s not acceptable to me. I cannot live with it – so I must move on. That’s it, simple, I must move on.
I have been reading a very moving , (and scary – for the mother of teenage boys) book by Sue Klebold, the mother of one of the Columbine high school perpetrators. In it she describes vividly and painfully her search for understanding – WHY did her son do this thing. What had she and his father done wrong. A quotation that she was sent and reproduced him her book struck me …
Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not look now for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day,
i think this is very pertinent. And I find it comforting. In the same way that I have a much greater perspective on aspects of my marriage – including the aspects of my character, actions and behaviour which contributed to its demise, I will perhaps one day have a similarly sanguine and reflective perspective in this last relationship. Now, I ‘cannot’ know the answers – because I am not ready to
In the early days of sobriety we encourage each other to take ‘one day at a time’, knowing that we can’t at that point comprehend a lifetime of sobriety – but also knowing that if a survivor can build one day on another then eventually greater resilience will come.
All that is required of me now is to have no contact; in person, on social media or through the written word. I can do that. And slowly, understanding may come, or it may not. But either way, I will be ok.
The photos is my view this afternoon as I type this blog. It is one I have tried to paint many times . As I look again at the beautiful colours of the sea, and the formation of the rocks around that I have found so hard to capture on paper, I am reminded that nothing good is easily achieved, and that one day- when I do produce a drawing or painting I am satisfied with, it will be the culmination of , the result of all the other unsuccessful efforts I have made. I think maybe life is a bit like that. One day, when I am truly content,that wil have only come from the learning, difficulties and experiences I have had along the way.
So for now I will try to ‘love the question’ and live each day as best I can. And try again to capture this view !