I’ve been re-reading some of my early blog posts from this time last year. I was inspired to do this by reading Tori’s blog “so this is sober” where, at 400 days of sobriety, she revisits the posts made at earlier milestones… 

There are lots of early posts that I did not actually share publically. In several I list and examine every last embarrassing shameful and humiliating thing I can remember doing whilst drunk. There are quite a lot of things. On re reading, some are less awful than I thought, but many remain really “ouch” sources of shame… and , of course this is just what I can remember … 

I am very ashamed of myself. In lots of ways. But then I realise that I haven’t done one thing on that list since March 12th 2016, nor have I added to this list … so it seems that one way to be less ashamed , less prone to doing really embarrassing things is not to drink … and it really works .. ! 

I also recognise how far I have come when I review how hard it was for me to actually STAY sober … every day at the beginning I struggled not to drink… and I wrote that I was thinking about alcohol every minute of every day … I don’t do that now. I would say I’ve had worse cravings in the last week than at any time in the last three months, but it’s only for a few minutes a day and pretty easily shrugged off … 

So many people urged me early on in the blog to find a therapist… I didn’t do that immediately, only when I was pushed by the breakdown of my relationship, but I am SO glad that I did, it has made a massive difference to me. In one way that’s a bit weird – how one hour a week can help change things such a lot, but it has ! 

On my reading list , on my kindle there are two Brene Brown works about shame. They have been there for some time, but somehow I haven’t felt ready to read them. I think I might start when I get home. 

This is a bit of a mish mash of thoughts with no clear theme … maybe it’s a checking in, a measuring of where I m. One to reflect on later … 

One comment

  1. I love Brene Brown, her work is awesome and well worth the read. Shame is such a destructive emotion. It’s everywhere though, its in the way we parent and were parented, all over the media and of course the shame of the drinking. x

    Liked by 1 person

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