Support

I have so much support. I have a mum and brother who love me (and my brothers family): I have some wonderful friends, some longstanding, some new. I have my sober sister and all of my sobersphere friends. I have my kids, I have some amazing work colleagues. I have a reflected empathic but boundaried therapist.  I am blessed. 

But I have struggled to confide in these wonderful people. I have struggled to ask for their help and support in so far as it relates to the domestic abuse that went on, both with my ex husband, and latterly with my ex partner. I told no one. My cleaning lady / housekeeper / helper – she knew, but we did not discuss, and she stayed and supported me anyway. No one else. And there were so many people I could have told. 

Why didn’t I ? 

I don’t know, yet. Guilt, shame, fear,  some stupid belief that somehow this would stop and he would revert to the nice, kind supportive man I knew for the first 18 months of our relationship? All of those play a part. Pride, love (?) fear of being alone .. that somehow it had to get so bad that nothing could be worse? Martyrdom? Co-dependency ? Expectation? 

I don’t know. 

I’m so angry right now I having trouble managing it. But angry with the right person. Not me. Not my kids, not life, not anyone else but HIM. Angry with him that he abused my kindness and generosity and then battered my boundaries down with anger and cruelty. So angry. 

And so bruised. And so vulnerable

You know that stage, when you are newly sober, and you just want to tell EVERYONE. Well some of you will. That’s where I am now with domestic abuse. I feel like I’m wearing a label that says “I’m a woman who’s been abused” , I can’t stop thinking about it, although aspects are almost unbearably distressing. I can’t settle to anything, and I can’t concentrate properly on anything else. I also can’t eat, which one of my more astute friends picked up on earlier this week. I know this is bad, but at times of severe emotional stress it happens every time. Its like I can control nothing else, but I can control my food intake. 

I know it’s mad. And not healthy. But I also know it will pass. All of this , anger, preoccupation, desire for revenge. It will all pass. It’s hard, but it will pass. And I CAN do this now because I can sit with the intensely uncomfortable feelings that I drank away for so many years. 

I will be ok. Not today, or tomorrow, but one day. 


5 comments

  1. I am always amazed and inspired by your posts. First you quit alcohol, enabling the clarity to get out of that relationship and to focus on you. Now you are tackling the emotions of grief and anger and acknowledging the vulnerabilities you experienced. You are truly a strong woman who is moving through a process that few in your situation have dared to tackle. So proud of you. Having your good spirit taken advantage of is not your fault. You will now figure out why you gravitated to those people and attempted to make things work. Its all good! Keep at it Wonder Woman! Your blog posts have really directed me to look at many issues in my life, both past and present. I thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. i hear you, i feel you and recognise so much in your story. i am so happy for you that you quit drinking which enabled you to get out. first things first and now you’re well under way, slowly (?) but surely. don’t forget you are a very strong woman, please be kind to you. x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Whatever stopped you from telling people stops almost everyone else as well. No one talks about these things until they once again see the light of day. Isn’t anger part of the healing process here? Thank God you know that there are better days ahead. And you have amazing introspection into the whole process.
    Hang in there, my friend. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Some hurts hang around for a long time. The harder the hurt, the longer it can stay, and that’s perfectly natural for a human! I was an abused husband! Verbally abused, terribly. She could split me wide open with her slimy forked tongue. Leaving her was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, because she kept the kid’s, and because of the oh so weird relationship dynamic that happens between the abused and abuser, which you know all about. That’s when I started my “serious” drinking….23 years ago now, my God. You’re in the good place now. Free of the abuse, free of abusing yourself with the booze. I envy you.

    Like


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