Tired

It’s been a tough week. 

Ive spend most of this weekend just incapacitated with inertia and fatigue. I’m just tired. 

Last week was very full of heightened emotion. I felt like raw , naked and so so vulnerable. I had a panic attack in central London, struggled hugely to focus on Pretty much anything and just feel exhausted.

I’m just so tired of it all being so hard. 

I know the recognition, naming and acceptance of the domestic abuse in this house has been essential. I know it had to happen. I know that I have to talk to my boys, listen to them and acknowledge what they have been through. I know I have to absorb some anger from them that I failed to stop this earlier. I really really know that if I don’t do that, it will come back to ‘interfere’ in all of our futures. But my goodness it’s tiring.

I know it doesn’t have to happen all at once, and we (well I ) try to set aside a small block of time once a week to talk about “stuff” , but In between I still have to process this. 

And processing is tiring. 

The hyper emotional state seems to have largely passed this weekend, I’m just exhausted. 

But, the younger dog, who’s behaviour was giving such cause for concern , has gone away to be retrained. I miss him, and his unfettered adoration, but it’s less stressful and I’m less worried that he will bite someone. 

Older son goes away for wilderness therapy trip in 4 weeks. Counting the days to be honest. So there is light. And it will be ok, 


7 comments

  1. Hi Lily. I have been away so just catching up on your posts. You did tell us about your relationship, and although you may not have labeled it as “abuse”, it was clear that was the case. Take pride that you stood up for yourself and your boys. He owns his bad actions and you own your actions. Alcohol allows us to avoid what is wrong in our lives and once we are sober for a while we find we must deal with these situations once we can’t drink our feelings away. It is such an awakening. I have been through a similar process and I am so much happier on the other side! Take good care of yourself, continue to treat yourself with love and respect. You will be at peace as this settles out. I think you are doing great. My best, Kelly

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kelly, thank you. I know I could not have escaped from that toxic relationship whilst I was drinking. Equally whilst in it, I doubt I could have maintained my sobriety . I’m so pleased for you that things are better for you – with best live Lily 🌷x

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  2. Kelly, I find it interesting that you clearly identified my relationship as abusive. I think deep down I did too – at least his behaviour to my children, but I almost could not accept that this could be happening ….Of course, it was not ‘like that’ at the beginning, so when it starts its so much harder to identify . Thank you for your thoughts Lily x

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    • Yes. Unfortunately I recognized the pain and the behavior. 😦 It was a sensitive issue for me as you may remember from some of my responses because my husband was so tough on our children. It is the main reason I quit drinking. I need to make some decisions and make sure my children were getting the love and support they needed. My “checking out” by drinking wine was not fair to them. I could avoid the behavior by being numb but they could not. So I quit, spent some time healing and laid down the law. After months of couples counseling things are MUCH better. Kids are happier, he is happier and so am I.

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s great Kelly; you have son SO well. Unfortunately my ex-partner sees nothing wrong in any aspect of his behavior to me or this children, refused to engage with therapy and … of course once |I was clear headed I could not tolerate that any longer

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