My life is ticking along.
I have quite a lot of stressful things. My eldest son, my younger dog ( currently away for residential retraining at astronomical expense) my middle son, finances, my lovely friends J & K still battling with terminal illness, how busy I am etc.
A lot of the time I’m exhausted
A lot of the time I’m fairly unproductive (at weekends I’m just a blob)
My mental health is not great. I’ve lost quite a lot of weight – because I have been unable to eat properly; I had a whopping panic attack in the middle of London for no very good reason, and I’ve had a lot of intense emotions (mostly unpleasant ones like anger and anxiety and gripping deep sorrow) that are wearing in themselves…I can’t sleep well (mostly) I feel fragile and vulnerable. And scared (although I don’t know what Im scared OF)
But. At the centre of my life there is no misery.
My ex partner, in his final email to me, wrote that he ‘hoped I’d find the happiness I craved’ – I wanted to reply that actually it was not ‘happiness’ I was looking for, it was an absence of misery. (I didn’t reply at all)
yes, I have worries, yes there are lots of things to worry about, yes ‘things’ are far from perfect …. BUT… there is no one bullying, criticising, mocking, shouting, taking my money, throwing things at me and generally making my life and that of my kids 20 x harder than it needed to be. I’M making decisions now. Some will be right, some may not be, but there is no huge dissonance between what is happening and what I believe to be right.
There are some nice things to look forward to; a dinner out with a friend, an exhibition to attend, a spa day with my mum… tea with my niece…
I’m 492 days sober … It s taken me a LOT longer than I had expected / hoped…. but slowly, slowly, I think I’m getting there.
Who knew how NICE just NOT BEING MISERABLE could be ?