Five hundred days

Today is my 500th day of continuous sobriety.

As long as I don’t drink today (and I won’t) I will have completed 500 whole days without one drop of alcohol at midnight tonight.

My sober sister and I were reminiscing Β last week about how slow the early days go, how the 19 days between us seemed like such a huge gap at the beginning. How she was amazed when I got to 42 days. Now there is no difference, except in semantics. now, it seems a very short time ago I wrote the 400 days post!

My mother and I had our first senseful conversation about my drinking / sobriety at the weekend. I showed her my pendent and tried to explain what ‘being sober’ meant to me. She doesn’t “get it” (hence the comment “but you could have one glass of wine”) because she has the best off switch ever, but I think she is quite impressed / proud almost of my commitment and resolve. I did explain that the whole problem is that I CANNOT have ‘one glass’ of anything alcoholic, never have been able to ,and that all forms of attempted moderation known to man, failed spectacularly. I think she was still kind of surprised when I said I intend NEVER to drink again.

so where am I.

Its probably a ‘stock taking day.

I’m struggling right now. with anxiety, and with feeling overwhelmed by everything. BUT

  • I’m sober. everything everything stems from that simple fact
  • My ExP has gone. he is no longer in my life in any shape or form. he’s blocked from all contact and every day I think about him less
  • I am no longer miserable inside
  • I have a plan for son~1. Its a bit radical, and its expensive and its a risk. But at least its a plan
  • I have a bones of a plan for son ~2. I have contacted his father. He is not and never will be an ‘adequate’ parent, let alone a useful one, but there are small things he can do, and I will try to get him to do the for son~2’s benefit
  • I have a network of really nice people around me. Some very close, some a little further away. But they are kind, and will support me.
  • I have faced, and named and talked about the domestic abuse in my home. I needed to do that, its taken almost a year to do it, but I have
  • I have committed to the therapy I started, and gained so much from it. I am stronger, my boundaries are better, and it ‘holds’ me when I waver.

If I look back 500 days, I was a mess. A mess in denial, a scared, bullied, intimidated, financially broke, frightened, out of control mess; presenting an acceptable front to the world.

I’m rawer now, I feel more vulnerable, I’m more obviously anxious…. I’m an ‘out there’ problem drinker (dry); problem eater, problem impulsive spender.

But I’m honest. And true to myself and those around me. And i’m sober

Not bad for 500 days. And there is real hope for the next 500 …


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