The hornet’s nest

Yesterday I poked the hornets nest. I shouldn’t have (maybe) but I sent my last post about debt, by email to my ex partner. I think I did it because I am again VERY angry. I’m not bitter, not wallowing in misery, I’m angry. And anger is an appropriate and healthy emotion in this situation.

It pissed him off. Big time.  Even though I am anonymous on this blog, except to a few, and thus so is he; even though I spoke the TRUTH (or perhaps because I spoke the truth) he was well annoyed. And it sparked an email exchange that continued for some time. Prior to yesterday I have not spoken to, seen, or communicated with him in any way since June 6th, and he is blocked on all my social media and my phone.

He was angry that I had not added how much he loved me, and how much he ‘did for me’ I have noticed no difference in my household workload since he left 11 months ago, so I dispute the last. The exchange got quite heated at one point. He said he would come and collect his remaining things. My response : “If you set foot on my property I will call the Police. Whats left is mine, or chucked. Forget it.”

And my final response is reproduced below – redacted for identifying names –  I’m proud of myself. Really proud that I have told him, that I have said MY truth. he won’t agree of course, but this is MY blog and MY truth

You don’t understand at all. I don’t know why I bother thinking you might. I loved you. Do you understand that. I LOVED you and I wanted to HELP you

All the time we were together – and after, I wanted to HELP you. so i paid for stuff to try and HELP you. I put YOUR NEEDS FIRST. because I LOVED you All I wanted back was to be treated kindly, yes I wanted you to be kind to my children. Yes I appreciated the efforts you made with son 2 &  son 3 in the beginning. Yes, I appreciated the Den. 

But basically I did not want to financially support you day to day for EVERYTHING. I couldn’t afford to. I told you this COUNTLESS times. but you ‘didn’t want to get a job’  – well neither to most of the other people working and taking responsibility for THEMSELVES. 

And your abuse of son 1 was disgusting. Name calling, humiliation, aggression, ignoring, Emotional abuse includes verbal abuses such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, trying to turn the other kids against him.

It was disgusting and I take my share of the blame for allowing it to continue. But I was not the perpetrator, That shame and guilt (should be) is yours. 

and you had started on son 2, and son 3 would have been next as he gets bigger, enters puberty and is ‘awkward’

Your shed was moldy. the wood was rotten from the leaks. Its gone. Son 1 took it down with some help. so it didn’t make the Den rot too. 

we are ok on our own. we are starting family therapy soon, to deal with Son 2’s anger at me for not stopping you abusing Son 1. And his anger at me for allowing you to ‘run the house’ and dictate everything when you were just a non paying guest really. 

we as a family of 4 will be ok. No one else is coming NEAR us, except those we know very well and trust,

No man will ever do to me again what you did, you forced me into a position of desperation living one way whilst my gut believed it was wrong. I tried to reconcile it, to talk to you, to go and see a therapist. I tried EVERYTHING because I LOVED you. I saddled myself with a debt that will last beyond my working life. And you treated me like a worthless piece of shit beneath your shoe, so many times. Superficially charming and lovely. opening doors, ‘saying ‘ the right things… .but I was shown time and again that my opinion was worthless, my wants for MY family under MY roof for which I was 100% paying, counted as NOTHING 

I don’t love you anymore. I’m past ‘hating’ you. I dont LIKE the person that you are. the using, critically bullying unkind person you became.  I don’t really care much anymore. I see you for what you are. a middle aged man with a series of abusive and unhappy relationships behind him. no career, little relationship with his children ( because he bullied and abused them too) I’m living my truth now. I’m honest. I have told my brother about the debt mountain and asked for his help as an accountant to try and sort it. I’ve told everyone you lived 100% off me. I’ve told everyone you threw coffee in my face. I’ve told everyone you abused son 1. Because its the truth and I’m not covering it up any longer. I’m not ashamed. all I did was LOVE you. 

All I did, in my desperately vulnerable post divorce state, was fall in love with the wrong person. And love him, and try to help.

Never ever ever again. Now I have to deal with the aftermath, for us all. My poor damaged children, who were so scared of you. They were. really scared of you. and your acid biting unreasonable critical horrible tone

and it is threatening me when you talk about ‘getting your stuff’.  forget it. Its gone. You took what you wanted, what you left is either mine now or has been chucked. 

its done. over, in the past. One day I will look back and be in a better place. for now. day by day, I rebuild what you destroyed. Im alone now, but I’m so much less lonely than when I lived with the shame and guilt and anxiety…

you think my mood changed. But you never asked me what I WANTED. on and on you went about what YOU needed, when did you ask me what I wanted? never, because you think only about Yourself. I was just an adjunct. when did you ask me how I FELT ? I wanted to talk with you in a safe place ( therapists office) because I was afraid of your reaction if I said what I felt. but hey, not interested were you. 

i regret what happened. I regret not forcing the issue MUCH sooner. In all honesty I lost trust in you in America when you drove off in a temper and left us for hours with no transport no money no documents in the middle of Yosemite. Son 3 was 7. and somehow you made that MY fault,

I should have called it a day then. I wish I had called it a day the first time I met your daughter and you treated her horribly. you spoke to her in a disparaging and critical unkind way the whole time we were together. At that time I had NEVER seen that side of you, and when you went to the loo I asked her why you were being so horrible. ‘ Oh hes always like this’ she said. Nothing out of the ordinary for her. I was HORRIFIED

I should have known then, that eventually you would do that to me and mine; once I was sucked in enough. Once your feet were right under the table.. 

And I wish I had.

I wish I had after you threw coffee in my face for ‘disrespecting a plate’, It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.  

I wish I had after you threw Ben in the street with no shoes and refused to let him back in. I wish I had after so many incidents. I wish I had been stronger,

I wish I had confided in people who REALLY have my best interests at heart. I wish the shame and fear and guilt I felt had been turned outwards instead of in on myself. I wish when I broke down in April 2014 I had been honest with all the people who cared for me. That it was nothing to do with pressure at work, but with the bullying controlling hideous behavior of you to my kids. I wish I had told the doctors who cared for me that I was a victim of domestic abuse (again) But I covered it up because I was ashamed. and I couldn’t accept that you were not who I thought you were. 

I know it now. 

And that’s my truth, and others who saw agree with me. And others I have spoken to. But in the end its what I KNOW that matters. And I KNOW your were abusive to me, to Son 1 and to Son 2. Not to Son 3, though I know he would have been next. 

I don’t care if you don’t accept it. I Know, KNOW KNOW  that the way you behaved was emotionally and verbally abusive to son 1 & 2 , and financially emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive to me

That’s it. its over now. and I see what others see. And that’s not ‘love’ ExP. Not Love at all

I sent that to HIM. Because I wanted HIM to know that I am no longer the woman with no boundaries who drank to cover her anxiety and shame. I am no longer the woman who could see no way out of a hideous situation, I an no longer a doormat. I am a woman who is growing in confidence, I am a woman who is living HER truth, and I am no longer dong, or living with things that make me ashamed.

And today. Today I feel VERY strong. And Fuck the hornets


7 comments

  1. Go girl! You ARE strong and you and your family will do a brilliant job by yourselves. Being sober is the best gift you can give them. I can imagine that forgiving the ex is too hard, but do try to move on, to forget him, or the anger will eat you up, and then he’s won. You’re awesome. Love SM

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Being sober is (as you know) the key, the starting point for everything. Without my sobriety I have nothing. With it, using it, protecting it, I can do much more. Letting go is hard, but harder is facing, unpeeling the onion of pain and hurt. I need to do this, slowly, with the help of my therapist before I can move on. I know I need to do this. I just wish it was not so painful. lily x

      Like


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