I’m struggling right now – as most of you will have realised.
Not with sobriety , thank God, but for reasons I just couldn’t understand. Struggling with panic attacks, with anger, with eating, struggling to concentrate, with fatigue. Smoking too much ( at all) feeling just UGH.
And I just didn’t know why. Superficially everything was / is fine .
But, now I know, I think. It’s accepting something very painful. It’s actually quite hard for me to wrap my head around it, it’s occupying far too much of my head space,
It comes down to this: when you love someone, when you commit to them you believe they will help you if you ask. That they will try at least.
I loved him so much. I adored him, I gave him so much and did so much for him. Financially, I provided everything he ate, every thing. But when I was in trouble and needed his help – an able bodied intelligent man – he ignored me. Refused to help. Left me alone with a huge debt after I had 100% paid for everything for more than five years. I told him, I asked him, I begged him. But I meant nothing to him and he did nothing to help me. He carried on living rent free in my house, carried on spending my money, carried on just as before …. carried on with his hobby (a career pays money – and he does not earn from it) whilst I carried the debt burden alone.
That simple fact, accepting that, just as it is – is so painful for me. I literally feel sick when I confront it. Of course many others will have seen this much earlier, but I think I have only just really faced it.
What kind of person DOES that ? Literally, with no conversation, just ” I don’t want to get a job” ,he just carried on. Someone so selfish , arrogant and what ? I just don’t understand how he can go on about how much he “loved me” , when I needed , desperately needed , help, he just ignored that.
It hurts more than anything I can remember. Much more than the break up. Much more than the end of my marriage.
This is why I feel so fragile right now, this is why I’m struggling. Because I have to accept something that changes everything I believed about a man I loved best in the world, it’s not something I can “unknow” , and I cannot find an excuse for it, there is none. And it changes everything. It turns the whole thing sour and dirty. It means I was just used.
Thank goodness it’s Friday and I have only today to crawl through.