Im getting better. I can feel it each day. My appetite is slowly returning, I’m more focused, I feel more in control, I’m less anxious. This may have something to do with the kids being away for the week so there is only me to worry about, but Its a good feeling
I was thinking about drinking earlier today. I have arranged to meet a friend later on, who will probably be able to walk my dogs together when the younger comes back from his training. We need to work out when and if this will fit with her schedule. I suggested a coffee shop – she countered with the suggestion of a pub opposite.
I have no problem with going to a pub, I have no problem with other people drinking, but, It occurred to me today I actively do NOT want to drink. I really don’t. In the past such a meeting would have been an excuse for a glass (or three) of wine. I have nothing very specific I have to do afterwards, so why not …. and then more at home. But I dont WANT to drink.
The reasons are multiple and in no particular order:
- I dont want to feel out of control
- I dont ever want to worry about drink driving again
- I dont want to let down my sober sister
- I dont want to blow my 507 days of continuous sobriety
- I dont want to feel ashamed of myself
- i dont want to have to confess on my blog that I slipped up
- I dont want to do or say anything I regret
- Im proud of my achievement and I dont want to lose that
- I dont want any return of the cognitive dissonance that I feel so strongly when I live contrary to what I believe to be right for me
When I started this blog 16 months ago; when getting through an hour in the evening without drinking was a huge effort, when I could see no further ahead than that day, I never ever thought that the day would come when I would NOT want to drink
I know this may not last, after all Im quite labile at the moment, but its a revelation to me. I DO NOT WANT TO DRINK ALCOHOL
So for everyone struggling out there, at the start, when it feels impossible that you will manage parties, birthdays weddings Christmas sober. I promise that one day, if you just keep going, you will not want to drink.
Its been a rocky path for me. And I had no conscious knowledge of the ripples that would reverberate through my whole life when I chucked ‘being sober’ into the middle of the pond of my life
The image at the top represents the up and down path. But everything everything EVERYTHING good that is happening for me comes from the one simple fact of being sober. Its been slow, and at times very painful, but I am SO much better than I was.
I am not especially religious, I was brought up in the Church o England though I fine myself drawn to the religious symbolism and rituals f the catholic church. Im not sure I believe in God, but in the absence of any other ‘higher power’ ; Deo Gratias.