Just Me

This is quite weird

On Wednesday my therapist remarked to me that that session was perhaps the first time I had just come ‘with myself’. Not with my problems related to my children, or my ex partner, or alcohol or disordered eating or work or anything. And I have been attending pretty much every week for a year.

Just me. Not a mother, a partner, a friend, a sister, aunt, daughter, a work colleague, a doctor, an employer. Just me.

I don’t even know who that is.

If I describe myself, I can do it with  a positive, or a negative slant. (I expect most of us can) I can list things I like to do, I can describe certain values I believe to be important, I can identify aspects of my personality that are generally congenial, and a few that are less so.

But who AM I? without all the other roles to define me? who is this person who lives inside my body? What is she, truly like ?

I don’t think I even know.

I know some things, and more things than I knew a year ago. When I review where I was just 12 months ago, I can see I have come SO far. Tomorrow I am meeting a friend for supper who I have not seen for almost 20 years, we ‘found’ one another on Facebook and I’m looking forward to catching up. We first made contact about a year ago, and I deliberately did not make arrangements to meet up because my friend is a man. My Ex P would not have allowed that. Or liked it, and I would have suffered for it. Its quite liberating to know I can now go out with whomever I choose, whenever I choose.

I feel like I am at a real turning point. There are some real things I need to find out about myself, there is a lot to look forward to – small things like resuming my oil painting classes next month, and bigger things like planning a holiday to Africa with my kids next Summer.

How can one get to 52 without a clear sense of self? Or do others also feel that they are quite defined by their roles? … something to think about

 


2 comments

  1. I think about this quite a lot, often in frustration of wasted years, but then remind myself I am where I am and all I can change is the present and the future.

    And then, always come to the conclusion, which fits with your last line I think most people do just go through life unaware of how they really tick, what they really want. Some are happy to do so, and some are not (hence the huge escapism/obsessive culture whether booze, shopping, exercise, etc…) I have friends/know people that may be very busy, and sociable, but don’t really have any passions, or particularly authentic opinions. Find your role and then you slot into what is needed and required of you at that time and that becomes you. Worst examples of female friends (never seen it the other way around) changing their lives, dress, interests to match that of their boyfriends… and then again for the next one..) Working out who you really are, what you really love, how you really think – it’s much harder, but, from what I know so far, so rewarding, and exciting! A blank slate.. but with all the answers there.. just need to get out that secret pen and uncover them! Ha! Now, you have the chance to do things you WANT to do, but also be true to how you think and feel. With that acceptance everything becomes easier. The most obvious example I think all of us that have not drunk for a year + can relate to is the difference between now and when we first gave up drinking. Feeling the need to explain why and be so uncomfortable at saying no to a drink. Now, ‘no thanks I don’t drink’ will do (or even, ‘no thanks.’) That self belief and acceptance in ‘this is me, take it or leave it’ is SO liberating!

    That’s great to hear you turned up just you! My therapist often has to move the conversation back to me rather than how I can help my family/friends and what is going on in their lives…

    I hope you have a great time meeting the old friend. I find barriers are much lower with older acquaintances, less chit chat and more real talk!

    x

    Like


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