I hate this

I doing this weird anger cycle again. You would have thought it would have settled down by now.

KublerRoller

I’m in the most vile mood. Angry, frustrated, irritable, demotivated, bored (yet have 5000 things to do)

I feel like I’m right back at the beginning of this bloody roller coaster

I want to see people, but I don’t want to. I want to go out, but I want to hide at home. I want to be with my kids, but then they annoy me ( I had the most wonderful phone call from Son1 yesterday from Scotland which was totally unexpected and lifted me hugely as he sounded so happy and positive) I want to declutter and sort the house out, but I cant be bothered. I want to achieve things at work, but its such  struggle.

And all this because i ‘want’ to drink ? normally ? like a normal person does? Because I want back the sad, desperate, messy, deeply unhappy disaster of my life before I stopped drinking? REALLY ?

My lucid mind says ‘Of COURSE’ not . but I’m still angry, and feel crap. and lost and unsure of my direction or even of the POINT of my life any more. If i’m not ME then who am I?

This is self indulgent drivel, but it so real to me right now. My little pendant I had made after about 6 weeks sobriety (God I was naive) has the word ‘serenity’ on the largest disc

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I’m holding on to this bloody pendant right now, alone with two key rings given to me by my sober sister. I’m telling myself to bloody snap out of it…. I’m telling myself that it never ever stops at one (drink, or one day), that all the positives of never ever regretting NOT drinking, never worrying about drink driving, never ever having blackouts is REAL. and this yearning for the familiar messy crap that goes with alcohol is pointless

It should be over by now. I’m angry about that too. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR


3 comments

  1. I get angry too by all those same things. And disappointed in myself that I’m not beyond them.
    But…we are still human. We still have highs and lows. The secret is letting them happen. Laughing…or crying, depending, and moving on.

    Suffering is wishing things were different than they are. I tell myself this over and over. Sometimes it makes sense.

    You are doing fabulously. Big hug.
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Should-ing” yourself gets exhausting. There are no rules–no timelines or deadlines in sobriety that you are missing or not getting. Everything you are feeling is normal–and will also get better. Just hang in there. x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Only just read this and can totally totally relate. Seems it has passed now, as these intense conflicting frustrating emotions do – we have to knuckle down through the shit and it does pass.
    After my incredibly emotional Sunday I spent the last two days thinking of all the things I ‘should’ do but had to accept doing very little and being okay with it. (And getting through without drinking or harming myself… for a few moments I wasn’t sure I could.)
    But here we are, sober, and in much better places than before and more in charge of our own lives and actions. Which is just amazing! 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person


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