I have not written anything for a couple of weeks. It’s been hard to catch hold of anything long enough to think it through – let along long enough to write it down.
Son 1 has returned from his trip to Scotland- the wilderness therapy programme. Is he “different” ? Has it changed him ? I don’t know really. Certain things are different, he says he has recognised the negative effect that all his cannabis smoking was having on him, and says he intends to remain abstinent. That’s great, and if you had told me, before he went, that this is what would come out of it,even that this would be ALL that would come out if it, then I would have been happy I think. Now I feel that i hoping for, expecting ? More. He is a bit more aware of things that need doing, a bit more willing to help out, he seems to have worked out that the home doesn’t run itself… but the general pattern of excessive screen time, little purposeful effort at anything and hours playing on the PS4 haven’t really changed. He says inside he feels more confident, which is obviously good … I thought two weeks between Scotland and the big volunteer trip to Nepal would be good, now it feels like a LONG time with nothing purposeful to do …
I’m struggling with so many things right now, internally, I feel like I don’t know who I am any longer. If I’m not the heavy drinking, chill out, impulsive, disaster prone liability any longer- then who AM I ?
My kids are growing up and away from me. It’s hard to get everyone round one table for dinner without pressuring them. I feel like I’ve lost the opportunity to have the family I wanted. It’s been miserable for them,for the most part, at the hands of first their father and then my ex partner, neither of whom are any kind of role model. All I wanted was a happy family – and I tried so hard to provide that… I’ve worked my ass off to support them all – and what I have achieved is basically very little.
I’ve been on holiday from work – at home- for the last two weeks. Taking away my identity as a doctor – my identity as a successful career woman, my identity in a place where I am respected, confident and capable has been a bit of a strange experience … normally I’m “away” during time off work .. and that’s an adventure … at home there are long hours to fill .. and my inadequacy as another, and the failure of my family life is very obvious … we have managed one trip to the cinema together in a week ….
Last day off today. I feel both fed up at the thought of no more time off as the winter draws in, and relieved to be able to escape back into my professional life.
I feel like retreating to the safety of things i know; alcohol. Impulsivity. Recklessness. That man.
Because without those things, I don’t know who I am any longer. Everything is broken down and needs to be remade… I need to be remade, I am not any longer who I have been all my life …I’m someone different, someone I don’t know or understand. I fear she is boring, serious, no fun. She (or me) prioritised her career- felt she HAD to work full time to provide a nice house, stuff and holidays … but maybe she therefore neglected her kids? Neglected to be there , which in the end would have been much more valuable?
I’m going to stop now. I don’t think this is helping… and I need to take the dogs out.