I think my post yesterday says something quite important for me.
I have lived as though I have no regrets and ‘put a brave face’ on so many things. I have ‘got over’ things such as the breakdown of my marriage, and ‘moved on’.
But have I ?
Or have I buried my shame and regret, my heartache, in a nice bottle of white wine, drinking steadily and heavily to blot out the pain of a smashed up family, the disappointment of divorce and the subsequent pain of an emotionally abusive partnership? Have I really ever dealt with just how rubbish the educational failure of my eldest son makes me feel ? How guilty I feel for allowing ‘stuff’ to happen to my kids. How sad I feel for the wasted years? How lonely I have been and how fucked up the subliminal messages I have sent to my children?
The way I feel now makes me question all these things.
And then I look around me and see how bloody lucky I am. I have my health (at least for now) I am employed and solvent. My children are alive. I live in a first world country and take my security for granted.
I need to try and balance these conflicting feelings in my head; two weeks ago I went to the funeral of a 19 year old youth who died suddenly of natural causes. Seeing his devastated parents and a church full of sobbing family and close friends was a harrowing and sobering experience … That family will never recover fully from the loss of their son /brother… through no fault of anyone’s, their lives have been shattered. And in comparison I am so, so lucky.
Regret is pointless, It achieves nothing, just encourages me to go on blaming myself and beating myself up. I know I should instead focus on the positives. I still have son 2 and 3 who I can influence, son 3 is only 12 and so I have quite a lot of influence. We have had some really good times, some great holidays and I have a plan to go to Africa next Summer (I hope) with all three children…
I don’t have a balanced view right now, I swing from regrets to trying to be positive, seeming to find no peace or middle ground. I hope this is yet another ‘phase’ that will pass in time… I have planned a visit to an exhibition that I want to see with a friend I haven’t seen for AGES, this is positive and I’m looking forward to it, I expect we will have lunch afterwards and time for a catch up.
I had no idea, literally no idea when I started out 541 days ago that ‘being sober’ would have this profound an effect on me. I’m glad I didn’t know, because its scary enough walking the path without knowing whats round the corner. If I had known, I think I would have been too terrified to take that first step. Now its an act of faith continuing on this path – because I cannot go back, I cannot ‘unknow’ what I now know …
So, I’ll uncap a Becks Blue lemon beer (0% alcohol) this evening and watch ‘Dragons Den’ with the youngest and plod on …