Self esteem

The last two or three weeks have been a period of intense reflection. I have been almost hermit like – dragging myself out to work and to walk the dogs , but doing nothing else. Ignoring the phone, unable to face anyone. I’m not sleeping well with both inability to get off to sleep, and repetitive waking through the night. I just feel sad. Not especially stressed, nothing bad has happened- in fact I got a tax rebate this week – not a fortune but enough to buy a new dishwasher (the old one is terminally ill and worse than useless). 

And out of this period of self reflection? 

The realisation that

  • My self esteem is nil. It always has been with a few notable periods of exception – largely due to someone else boosting my sense of self worth.
  • That this is at the bottom of everything. 
  • That building this will need to be an active process- and not a passive one.

I don’t know if I have the energy. 


5 comments

  1. In A.A. they sometimes say I was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex,
    It rings true for me. I felt so small, but drinking helped me be the brash, assertive person I wanted…
    For a while.
    You don’t have to build anything. You just need to reconnect with the huge well of self love and compassion you already have.

    Brene browns book the gifts of imperfection helped me.

    But my basic first step was to tell myself I love you over and over. Eventually it feels true.
    I end my yoga classes this way. Because we all need a reminder sometimes.

    Love and hugs to you.
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Lily,

    I don’t know if this is your bag but Eckhard Toll and Byron Katie really help me with these types of thoughts. Thoughts are just that and its the story we attach to them that creates our suffering. Its a realy radical new way of being in this world and at first when start doing the work it will just feel plain wrong there will be a lot of resistance.

    Anyway as I said its not for everyone, and no worries if its not for you:)

    I can relate to your feeling sad, I had a week from hell this week. I was utterly depressed and crying every day. Did the work last night and as if by magic, it’s lifted:)

    I hope you feel better soon. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Coffee, yes it’s me from Mumsnet. Thanks for your thoughts, to be honest I’m feeling too low to read anything at the moment – I’m struggling to concentrate even on the most banal TV show, but I will add these to my list: and it does give me comfort to know that others have felt this way and things improved ,

      How are you going? I haven’t been on the Dry thread for ages, and feel bad about that as I do want to give back sone of the fantastic support I had in the early days. I’m seeing vxa from there in s couple of weeks for lunch which I’m looking forward to.

      Thanks for your support lily xxx🌷

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I hear this – just try to stay in the moment. You are not your thoughts. I struggle with self-esteem in general, thinking I am not worthy of things. But I am reminding myself over and over again that I am worth it, and slowly I am getting the message. You don’t have to build anything per se, but just see yourself as someone who is worthy, of love and a happy life.

    Like

  4. You don’t have the energy now, but you will. Perhaps even now, 4 days after this post you will. When I’m feeling so low and lethargic and down on myself I try and remind myself of what I call ‘the seed’.. which is this tiny glimmer of ‘it will be okay’ that always does appear… to be honest I’m kinda waiting for that now.. but this is about you 😉

    Sometimes you do have to just sit it out a little whilst you build up some energy.. but the crucial thing is to make sure that you don’t let it go on too long I suppose.. if after a couple of weeks you feel the same, then maybe some action is needed… whether it’s just forcing yourself to do ‘nice’ things – like a coffee with someone you like.

    Self esteem – gosh, it’s such a minefield, but there’s obviously a twinkling of self love and self worth in there, for all that you have done in this last year.. for your kids sure, but also for yourself. Something in you went ‘I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS.’ And that’s the truth. xxx

    Like


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