The last two or three weeks have been a period of intense reflection. I have been almost hermit like – dragging myself out to work and to walk the dogs , but doing nothing else. Ignoring the phone, unable to face anyone. I’m not sleeping well with both inability to get off to sleep, and repetitive waking through the night. I just feel sad. Not especially stressed, nothing bad has happened- in fact I got a tax rebate this week – not a fortune but enough to buy a new dishwasher (the old one is terminally ill and worse than useless).
And out of this period of self reflection?
The realisation that
- My self esteem is nil. It always has been with a few notable periods of exception – largely due to someone else boosting my sense of self worth.
- That this is at the bottom of everything.
- That building this will need to be an active process- and not a passive one.
I don’t know if I have the energy.