Yesterday I met my exPartner for a coffee.
Its been 14 months since we separated, and at my instigation we have had no contact at all since June this year. I had expected this to ‘help’ me get over it / him. But it hasn’t. I dont know why, given all that has happened, all I have written, all the difficult, stressful and horrible things that the relationship brought with it, I have not been able to shake off the feeling that he was the person I am supposed to be with.
Despite ‘seeing’ so much that was wrong, despite being so angry with him, despite my despair at his non-relationship with son#1, I have thought about him so often, and have really struggled to accept that its over.
Last week I sent him an email. I dont know what I hoped to achieve, I just got so tired of turning the whole thing over and over in my head – maybe I was looking for answers. He is of course the only person who can give me any answers.
Musing over the proposed meeting with my best friend K, she asked me what I wanted out of it, and how likely I was to get ‘that’; what would the best outcome be? And the worst? The worst possible outcome was easy – If I found out he was blissfully happy with someone else – I have had recurring dreams about this, and woken up anxious and unhappy. The best outcome ? I couldn’t say.
So we met yesterday morning. Just sitting with him was like ‘peace’; an end to the relentless self questioning, a sense of belonging and rightness. I don’t understand it, but this is an honest blog, and that just how it was. I felt immediately less alone, and less stressed.
And we talked. And talked, and talked. Calmly, about most of the difficult subjects. I feel that he understood my issues, and my anger and frustration. I feel that he accepted why I acted as I did. I dont think he agreed with it. but at least understood how desperate I felt. I, in turn, listened and perhaps heard more of his perspective than I have before.
We talked for the best part of 3 hours.
What next ? I don’t know. I truly don’t know. Maybe there IS a way. Maybe there is an opportunity to build something new. Not as it was, but with a foundation that, despite all the hurt and pain and heartache, it seems we can neither of us move on without the other.
And, right now, I feel better. I have an appetite for the first time in months, I slept well last night. I have some small glimmer of optimism back, some small spark that has been missing for months…