Not Depressed …

I’m not depressed.

Depression is a common disorder that causes people to experience low mood, loss of interest or pleasure in doing things (anhedonia), feelings of  low self-worth or guilt, disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy, and poor concentration. Depression is different from feeling down or sad. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been anxious. Biologically not right and I’ve had the weight loss, apathy and inertia that (for me) accompanies this

Right now I’m a lot better. My sleep isn’t great, but I’m neither depressed nor anxious. I take a hefty dose of an SSRI to ensure (as far as I can) that I stay that way. Biological anxiety / depression is really horrible. I’m not depressed.

But I am low.

I’ve now been sober for 675 days. The 2 year soberversary is approaching. My little app tells me I have saved £12, 309 from not drinking (based on a bottle of wine a day and more at weekends plus the extra bottle I was buying for A N Other). My whole life has changed.

But I’m facing up to rather a void. I know this is dull, and for those just starting off on the sober journey I do NOT think this is inevitable. For me its a juxtaposition and a number of different life events / stages all at the same time rather than JUST being sober that has led to this

Looking at what I used to do with my spare time… I had a partner so we spent time together. Cooking together (for pleasure), going out for lunch at weekends (and drinking) watching movies together (and drinking) going to exhibitions and then for a boozy lunch together afterwards. We visited friends together (usually involved some kind of drinking) Now of course I have no partner, so although I do some of these things with others, it requires planning in a away that spending time with your partner doesn’t. I’m not lonely, but I am sometimes a bit purposeless.

I think I’m realizing that I need other things to stimulate me. Its no good expecting to be able to do the same things, just without alcohol. For example, I used to really enjoy entertaining. Now, with just me to prepare everything, clean up the house in preparation, make sure everything is just so… Its really lost its appeal. I’m limited in what I can do out of the house as the kids need me to be there.. not because they have any interest in interacting with me more than they have to, but because they fight, create chaos and do nothing useful eg homework if I am NOT there… social interactions with people I don’t know are a strain without alcohol… I need new things to do…

I’m not depressed, but I feel like I am restarting my personal life with one arm tied behind my back.

sorry, that’s gloomy. Its a LOT better than actively miserable (as I was) but it seems quite a long way from happy, or even content .

 


4 comments

  1. I hear on the radio today that this is the worst Monday of the year.
    Holiday over, bill in. New Years resolutions gone.

    I agree. It does kind of feel like monotony sometimes.

    Something will spark your interest and renew your enthusiasm. Until then, just enjoy your coffee (or tea, or whatever), make sure you have comfortable sheets and relax. Perhaps this is your hibernation time.
    Hugs.
    Anne

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  2. I haven’t read your blog for awhile. Glad you are still blogging. January is the worst month for gloom, at least for me. I enjoy your writing and am glad you are keeping sober. Better days ahead!

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  3. Yes I have had to find new ways to spend my time as well. We did a lot of the things we did when drinking to enable drinking. I find I prefer to cook at home, eat out less now. I do like to go to parties oddly enough more. Before parties got in the way of getting “enough” to drink and I may say something dumb I would feel guilty about. Now I go and know I will be my normal self and I can connect with people not just drink. I find caring for my home, garden, family far more fulfilling than drinking ever was. I also love to get out to hike, do yoga, etc. I do things that fill me up, not empty my soul if that makes sense.

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  4. I totally get this. And I love the picture you chose. January in the UK is awful. I always thought it was crazy that was the month people decided to give up booze (just for the month).. though I guess, ha ha, any month seemed crazy to me!! The days will get brighter and I hope you find some things that make you feel fulfilled. My memory is so short that I find stuff I love, then for a few days I feel unfulfilled and it feels FOREVER.. x

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