Validation

Yesterday I spoke to the former wife of my ex Partner.

I’ve been struggling with the feeling that I am remembering things falsely, that I am, in some way, placing blame on him where none exists. Underneath that is disbelief that anyone could actually do the things I believe he did, so therefore maybe I am going mad.

Good friends have listened to me going over this stuff and supported me with their memories and experiences. They have helped me, and offered me support. My therapist has confirmed that people like this, narcissists, do exist… but still, still I have struggled.

Until now.

Speaking to her, she who lived with him and knew exactly what I was talking about. Knew intuitively what had happened, why I had been sucked in, how I had questioned myself. She had experienced EVERYTHING that I did, (and worse) . Through talking with her I now know that the worst is true. That he is truly a liar, a narcissist and a deeply damaged and damaging human being. I know that it’s not me, that I didn’t cause it. It started long before we met, and it will never change.

By talking to me, she says I helped her too. She has been divorced from him for 20 years, but she said that talking to me was the first time she felt that someone truly understood. And of course I did, and do.

It’s hard to explain why this means so much to me. I still need to think much of it through, but the validation from another woman, the triangulation, the understanding that he lied to her, stole things, was violent and aggressive, intimidated and frightened her, and gaslighted her too … I don’t have to doubt myself any longer.

Maybe I’m weak to need that validation, maybe it’s a symptom of my own low self esteem that I needed another woman to say ” yes, he did that to me too”. …. right now I don’t care. All I care about is that finally I feel I can be comfortable with my knowledge…. and form that point I can truly start to heal.


10 comments

  1. Wow, this sounds like a beautiful and healing encounter for both of you. ❀ πŸ™‚ And I do not see how it is weak to need validation. Gaslighting is a serious emotional crime within any relation, and it is seriously damaging; somebody dismantles your reality and then puts another one there. Energetically that is such a difficult thing, if not impossible to put right on your own. We need other people in our reality, preferably loving, kind people :-). And you found one! I am happy for you. πŸ™‚
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry bombarding you with comments today! You are not weak needing that validation! It’s normal and incredibly healthy to want to discuss and gain understanding and recognition from someone who TRULY understands and has been there. Think about why we are all here writing posts and commenting to each other – for the same reason.. because most people in our life cannot understand. Its great you helped each other x

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  3. I was married to a narcissist for 32 years. I chose to stay in the marriage for many reasons. We finally divorced 18 years ago, and I met a wonderful man several years later. As I look back I want to thank my ex for the skills and strength I had to develop to survive him. I found joy in my children, who became strong competent women and eventually understood and came to terms with their father’s behavior. I found joy in my career as a school counselor, and joy in my grandchildren. Most of all, I began pursuing a knowledge of the Lord, where I found peace, and connected with my second husband. He passed nearly two years ago, but he will always be the love of my life. My first marriage finally broke up because of another woman, younger, of course, who fell for his well polished facade. I have heard there has been some infidelity on his part, no surprise. I have not met her, but I bet we’d have plenty to talk about. Thanks for sharing your story. It is comforting.

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    • I’m so sorry Barbara, you must be very strong to have lived with him all
      That time. And I’m so pleased you found happiness with your second husband. One day, when I’m stronger, I hope that I might meet someone who would be good for me. Lily xx🌷

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      • I think you are already stronger than you think. Narcissistic people have a way of eating away at our self confidence. To make us feel weak, and themselves feel strong. I think it is just the opposite. Thanks for your comment, Lily.

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  4. Wow. I feel like I could have written this myself. You are not weak to need validation IMO. You get weakened over the years when people cause you to doubt yourself. There is a fragility there – for me at least. But that fragility is tended to so necessarily and beautifully by other women. It is the healing of history, not just of our lifetime, but the longer course of history. Love you!

    Liked by 1 person


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