Yesterday I spoke to the former wife of my ex Partner.
I’ve been struggling with the feeling that I am remembering things falsely, that I am, in some way, placing blame on him where none exists. Underneath that is disbelief that anyone could actually do the things I believe he did, so therefore maybe I am going mad.
Good friends have listened to me going over this stuff and supported me with their memories and experiences. They have helped me, and offered me support. My therapist has confirmed that people like this, narcissists, do exist… but still, still I have struggled.
Speaking to her, she who lived with him and knew exactly what I was talking about. Knew intuitively what had happened, why I had been sucked in, how I had questioned myself. She had experienced EVERYTHING that I did, (and worse) . Through talking with her I now know that the worst is true. That he is truly a liar, a narcissist and a deeply damaged and damaging human being. I know that it’s not me, that I didn’t cause it. It started long before we met, and it will never change.
By talking to me, she says I helped her too. She has been divorced from him for 20 years, but she said that talking to me was the first time she felt that someone truly understood. And of course I did, and do.
It’s hard to explain why this means so much to me. I still need to think much of it through, but the validation from another woman, the triangulation, the understanding that he lied to her, stole things, was violent and aggressive, intimidated and frightened her, and gaslighted her too … I don’t have to doubt myself any longer.
Maybe I’m weak to need that validation, maybe it’s a symptom of my own low self esteem that I needed another woman to say ” yes, he did that to me too”. …. right now I don’t care. All I care about is that finally I feel I can be comfortable with my knowledge…. and form that point I can truly start to heal.