Sorry folks, I’ve been trying not to write this post, trying not to feel how I do for a whole week now. It’s not working.
I remind myself of all the positives; son1 is doing good, we have a great holiday coming up, I’m going to Italy in 4 days, in the Summer my older brother is planning to visit from Australia, yesterday an old friend contacted me from the USA to let me know she is visiting the UK in the Summer .. soon I will be TWO YEARS sober …
but ,… but …
I’m just so low.
In fact I’m a horrible combination of agitated, restless, sad, frustrated, angry, defeated. I hate this.
I cannot stop thinking about that man. Missing him? No, I don’t want to go back there… and he has nothing to offer me. But I think about him incessantly, round and round my head go these repetitive, pointless thoughts. He is the last thing I think about at night, the first thought in the morning.
Im so fed up with it. My head KNOWs , my heart also knows … but my brain … my brain regurgitates endless emotion, endless memories, endless want if’s. Anger, sadness, longing, loss, sadness, loneliness, fear chase tirelessly round my head … no answers, and no resolution seems possible.
Alongside that I HATE myself for this. I berate myself for feeling this way, beat myself up for still being stuck in the past when I know there is nothing for me there. Is it that I miss the misery ? Is it that I got so used to being churned up and battling against despair that the absence of that extreme emotion ?
and I hate that too.
I want this OVER. I want to move on. Leave the past, the sorrow , the hurt, the pain … just leave it behind and move forward. And there should be no reason why I can’t do this … logically . But it’s not happening… I have been separated from this man for more than18 months … why why why can’t I just put him in the past and STOP rehashing stuff ?
He hurt me. He used me. He lied to me, he stole from me. He hurt and damaged my children. He abused me so much, emotionally and verbally, financially and by trying to physically intimidate me (and succeeding) .. how can I be so unbelievably DUMB as to still allow him space in my head ?
What the fuck is wrong with me? And more importantly how can I move forward?
i just don’t know. And I’m SO tired of it ….