Pretty crap

Sorry folks, I’ve been trying not to write this post, trying not to feel how I do for a whole week now. It’s not working.

I remind myself of all the positives; son1 is doing good, we have a great holiday coming up, I’m going to Italy in 4 days, in the Summer my older brother is planning to visit from Australia, yesterday an old friend contacted me from the USA to let me know she is visiting the UK in the Summer .. soon I will be TWO YEARS sober …

but ,… but …

I’m just so low.

In fact I’m a horrible combination of agitated, restless, sad, frustrated, angry, defeated. I hate this.

I cannot stop thinking about that man. Missing him? No, I don’t want to go back there… and he has nothing to offer me. But I think about him incessantly, round and round my head go these repetitive, pointless thoughts. He is the last thing I think about at night, the first thought in the morning.

Im so fed up with it. My head KNOWs , my heart also knows … but my brain … my brain regurgitates endless emotion, endless memories, endless want if’s. Anger, sadness, longing, loss, sadness, loneliness, fear chase tirelessly round my head … no answers, and no resolution seems possible.

Alongside that I HATE myself for this. I berate myself for feeling this way, beat myself up for still being stuck in the past when I know there is nothing for me there. Is it that I miss the misery ? Is it that I got so used to being churned up and battling against despair that the absence of that extreme emotion ?

and I hate that too.

I want this OVER. I want to move on. Leave the past, the sorrow , the hurt, the pain … just leave it behind and move forward. And there should be no reason why I can’t do this … logically . But it’s not happening… I have been separated from this man for more than18 months … why why why can’t I just put him in the past and STOP rehashing stuff ?

He hurt me. He used me. He lied to me, he stole from me. He hurt and damaged my children. He abused me so much, emotionally and verbally, financially and by trying to physically intimidate me (and succeeding) .. how can I be so unbelievably DUMB as to still allow him space in my head ?

What the fuck is wrong with me? And more importantly how can I move forward?

i just don’t know. And I’m SO tired of it ….


  1. Abusive people start by bringing the other down and then taking what they want. And you are now trying to figure out what ‘the f’ is wrong with you. You could ask (or mayby not spend your time on this) what ‘the f’ is wrong with him.
    My hairdresser once told me: “When in a situation like this, ask yourself ‘What does he have that I want?’ That will show you why he still occupies your time and how you connect to him.”
    Hope that shines a light? And possibly a way to disconnect? Sending hugs.
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

      • I got a hunch when I read your post(s). Not sure if it is valid or just one of those projections 😉 or both, dunno. But what about self-worth? You thought begin with him was going to be good for you. And now he has taken it and therewith damaged you. So you want it back by….. I don’t know? Guessing here: arguing and making him see, maybe even pay for what he has done?
        In a way, some men (jobs, products, friends, what have you) are like alcohol: they give us something totally different than what they promise. I find it difficult. All these expectations, projections, hopes… 🙂
        And in the end, I think, come to think of that now, like with alcohol, we are powerless to determine what it does to us. All we can do is say ‘no thank you.’ Sobriety is about what you take in and keep out, on all levels. Though when it comes to man that might sound a bit, eh, strange. 😀
        Hope my guessings brings you something.
        And now I’m off and going to take my own advice. 🙂
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think you have something. Self worth , as a partner, as one half of a happy, successful couple. As a woman worthy of a wonderful man. The ‘dream’ . And the perception that , on my own I have no value, no worth. Certainly he took away my dream, and trust in my own judgement.belief that I am worth loving. There is something that feels very true about that ….


      • I am sorry to hear that. And (but?) if you treat this like an addiction I am thinking you will see where you took a wrong turn. It is difficult to start a relation in sobriety. It can turn in a replacement addiction. Specifically in this world because as in the booze world: there is little real stuff and information going around about relations. Everything is about ‘the dream’. There is a dream, indeed, biologically very strong too, otherwise most people would not even make children so the dream has a very very strong biological function – it is bred into our species. But whoah does the dream lead to misery too :-(. I fear that the trust in the own judgement can only exist when we let go of the dream and face reality. But then again, ha! I am not in a relation and have never been good at it. :-/
        You are worth loving. You are so just by the virtue of your existence (and because you are a lovely woman!!!). Finding your own value, as a woman, on your own, in this world, is difficult. That is not because you are not good. It is because a whole lot of people, governments and businesses fare very well by suppressing women. They do not want us to be us. They need us weak so we will doubt ourselfs, be wanting and buy and work to buy and be ok when we are supressed. “It is no sign of good health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” – Krishnamurti
        xx, Feeling


  2. Big hug.
    I hope the sun in Italy brightens your mood. It’s a tough time of year.
    Obsessive anxiety is brutal as trying to be logical about it does not help st all.

    Have you tried tapping? Emdr? Reiki? Medication? Maybe it’s time to try something new.

    You are amazing. Remind yourself of that. Write it on a piece of paper and put it on the mirror. I do this sometimes. It actually helps.
    Love to you

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is Anne. Time to try something new. I just can’t. I’m so so anxious and ‘wound up’ I feel like a coiled spring and can only distract myself with mindless computer games and crap TV ….


  3. dear lily, i hear you. i was married to a narcissist for over two years and it has taken me at least two years to get him out of my system. disbelief, anger, guilt, shame. i read a book that helped me – and i will try to find it for you. (am sure i’ve got it somewhere but like him – buried away somewhere, haven’t found it yet).
    please keep having faith in you. you’re an amazing, strong, loving person. one day that will come back to you.

    Liked by 1 person

      • my dear, i so understand.

        (i know you will. you started the process by stepping out of the relationship. and boosted yourself by quitting the booze. to see things clearly. time time time and distance.
        and liking and loving yourself. that’s the area i still struggle with)

        Liked by 1 person

      • lily, i found the book. it opened my eyes and helped me to feel less dumb and stupid. never read a book like it, it’s written from both perspectives, diving in the narcissistic mind and the other party. title is “but he says he loves me”, written by “dina l. mcmillan, ph.d.”.
        hope you can get your hands on it, let me know if you can’t?

        Liked by 1 person

  4. What a time to read this (because of my own recent thinkings of the past.) The picture you posted made me choke/swallow some sort of huge emotion. It’s incredible (though not in a positive way) how much power someone else can have over you, even long after they are supposedly ‘gone’ from your life. It will take time to find peace with the situation and the past, and perhaps in some sense you will always carry a few of those questions with you, but use them as sources of strength and knowing what you will no longer stand for, and how much more you are worth. ❤


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