A line is drawn today.
I had a very helpful therapy session last night. Angela reads my blog, and it was a good day to go!
She picked up on the triggers I had identified in my post yesterday and we discussed some of them. The practical ones I have sorted, but the emotional ones needed some picking apart.
She encouraged me to dig a bit more in the my triggers around this email, around the feeling that’s it’s arrival and my decision not to respond evoked.
I have come a long long way since August 19th 2016 when I finally lost my temper and changed the locks on my front door. A long way in understanding the destructive dynamic, the personality and behaviour of the narcissistic person, and a long way in recognising how my weak boundaries, poor self worth and past experiences set me up for that relationship. I have worked hard on forgiving myself and trying to treat myself with the kindness that I would show to anyone else in my position.
But now it’s time to move on.
This is obviously a symbolic decision, because I’m not so deluded as to think I can just decide not to think of him again and it will just not happen. But a decision to accept that I will not get the answers I want from him (I already saw that back in December) and that I am unlikely to aid my recovery by poking over the carcass and ruminating endlessly about the past.
So, from today I am going to make a conscious effort to put the ruminations out of my mind. To consciously replace those thoughts with others as far as I am able. To accept that this relationship was destructive, damaging and painful in so many ways. But it’s over now. I have him 5 years of my life, I will not give him the rest of it by being unable to move on. There are no ties, no reason I need to be in touch.
Today I turn my back on him, disengage and move forwards.
And now I’m going to make a fish pie.