A line

A line is drawn today.

I had a very helpful therapy session last night. Angela reads my blog, and it was a good day to go!

She picked up on the triggers I had identified in my post yesterday and we discussed some of them. The practical ones I have sorted, but the emotional ones needed some picking apart.

She encouraged me to dig a bit more in the my triggers around this email, around the feeling that’s it’s arrival and my decision not to respond evoked.

I have come a long long way since August 19th 2016 when I finally lost my temper and changed the locks on my front door. A long way in understanding the destructive dynamic, the personality and behaviour of the narcissistic person, and a long way in recognising how my weak boundaries, poor self worth and past experiences set me up for that relationship. I have worked hard on forgiving myself and trying to treat myself with the kindness that I would show to anyone else in my position.

But now it’s time to move on.

This is obviously a symbolic decision, because I’m not so deluded as to think I can just decide not to think of him again and it will just not happen. But a decision to accept that I will not get the answers I want from him (I already saw that back in December) and that I am unlikely to aid my recovery by poking over the carcass and ruminating endlessly about the past.

So, from today I am going to make a conscious effort to put the ruminations out of my mind. To consciously replace those thoughts with others as far as I am able. To accept that this relationship was destructive, damaging and painful in so many ways. But it’s over now. I gave him 5 years of my life, I will not give him the rest of it by being unable to move on. There are no ties, no reason I need to be in touch.

Today I turn my back on him, disengage and move forwards.

And now I’m going to make a fish pie.

.


6 comments

  1. Awesome.
    I know not every moment of the 5 years wasn’t terrible, just like every drink I took was harmful or hurtful.
    It’s the good memories that seem to suck people back into hard situations.
    You see that. And you are free from booze, just like you are free from him.
    Make today for you,

    Anne

    Like


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