Sorry to have been quiet for the last week. A lot has been going on in “real life “, and I’ve been pondering ..
last Monday, March 12th, was my two year sobervesary. It’s a really good feeling to have achieved this, in a low key kind of way. I’m not shouting from the roof tops, but I feel very secure in my decision not to drink , and both grateful and quietly happy that I really don’t WANT to drink again. Somethings are hard without alcohol, perhaps they always will be, but these things are far outweighed by the massive advantages. Clarity of thought and loss of self hatred being the two most obvious benefits. I think I will take the boys out for a burger this weekend to celebrate. Quietly, and without necessarily telling anyone, I will raise a glass of coke to the future. Sober.
So, last weekend I went to Florence. After my travel adjustment,it all went pretty well. I arrived on Saturday morning at the hotel where we were all staying, and joined in the days planned activities. My friend, who’s birthday we were celebrating was totally surprised and touched by how many made it over to see her, and Florence is a beautiful city. I really enjoyed connecting with my oldest friends (from medical schooldays) and meeting some people I hadn’t seen for years. Saturday night we all went to a restaurant. I will draw a veil over some aspects of that evening, alcohol related. I came home early, but it taught me a couple of very valuable things. Listen to my own intuition, be very clear what my expectations and boundaries are, and be true to myself. I was sober, so no harm done …
in the last couple of weeks, since I decided to put ‘him’ behind me, I have been more successful that I expected. In my heart there is a peace that I had feared I would never reach, and I can honestly say I have not wasted much time on fruitless speculation. I know what I know, I believe the whole thing was a fabrication on his part and nothing I could have Done would have changed that. End of. Before I came to this conclusion I was searching desperately for answers, I ordered a few books from amazon about narcissistic PD, I joined a forum for others who had been in such relationships. Now I find I don’t need them, the books I AM engaging with are the ones that focus on me… on how to strengthen my self worth and boundaries.. so that I am not hoodwinked again. I think this is a much better use of my time and energy.
One of my oldest friends, who has been single for 10 years recently met someone. She is excited and giddy with the hope and optimism that goes with a new relationship. It was heartwarming to see, and when we talked about it, we were sharing a room , she reflected that although she is happy to have met someone , her own life is now so fulfilled and busy, she is not too worried if it doesn’t work out. Over the 10 years she has built herself a network of friends, family and activities that she loves. A partner is only worth it if they can add something to that package. A good starting point I think!
The days are getting longer, the end of the financial year is nigh (always a very busy time at work) but after April 1st, I will have time to draw breath and start to build more of a life for myself, within my limitations. I feel quite optimistic about this, and in a nebulous intermittent way, vaguely optimistic.