It’s quite easy to feel isolated.

I think most of this is due to not reaching out, not being honest with people about how lonely or sad or broken we feel. Most of our friends and family want to help, want to be supportive and kind. But they are not mind readers, and won’t know that we need support unless we ask for it.

Yesterday I met up with three of my oldest friends from University. We met on the Southbank in London and visited the ABBA exhibition there. As young women we danced and sang along to ABBA at full volume in our dingy student flat, and over the years our regular meet ups, (frequently alcohol fuelled) were great excuses to relive our carefree youth along with its soundtrack. Of my three friends, two are married with children, all are working doctors and one has just fallen in love 😊. The two with daughters were accompanied by their children, and we were a cheerful party of 7 who experienced this immersive , hour long tour.

I enjoyed the day, we had lunch afterwards, and spend a couple of hours at the restaurant catching up. I felt really exhausted afterwards, not helped by another cold wet day (and inadequate clothing!) and also somehow separate. It wasn’t about alcohol. No one was drinking, I felt almost so damaged and scarred, so cynical and anxious that I had no business being amongst the happy innocence of the girls or the unbridled excitement of my newly loved up friend. I just felt very separate, and detached, which is the opposite of what I want. I tried to bridge the divide, clumsily, by mentioning that I learned that Benny Andersson had stopped drinking in his 50’s. This is strangely important to me – for reasons that I previously explored.Β Β Here andΒ here Β  The cue was not picked up, I guess to those who drink (or not) normally, this information is NOT interesting. They will simply not get how enormous a role alcohol played in my life… and thus cannot grasp the complexity and enduring consequences of sobriety for me. That despite my 750 days sobriety, it’s still new, still huge and still current.

So today, I’m a flat as a flat thing. It’s raining (again) cold (still) and miserable outside. Son 2 has gone to his fathers till tomorrow (no study then) son3 is surgically attached to his PS4, and son 1 messages me from Nepal to say he’s stuck at 3,900m with a headache (acute mountain sickness) and what should he do … counselling patience and acclimatisation to a fit, frustrated 19 year old !

my sober sister reaches her two year soberversary today 🌟🌟🌟🌟. I’m seeing her at the end of April , I wish it were today. She gets it, just as I get it for her …. back to the question of other connections via AA or similar. I havent yet taken the plunge, despite having identified a possible meeting, women only, a short distance away …

sigh. I’m so bored of winter, I’m bored of cold and rain, I’m bored of sobriety (but I don’t want to drink), I’m bored of being “bored”,I’m bored of being responsible for my children,., Actually that’s something to think about …it just came out as I was writing …. I AM bored of being the nagging parent, when nothing I do is good enough (or produces results I can be proud of) … I’m bored of endless cleaning up, sorting out, for grunts and bad temper ….

This is probably something worth exploring a bit further when Angela gets back from her holiday. It’s shameful I expect to be bored of being a parent …. but bugger that …