Center parcs

Here I am again. This is the third year my family, my brothers family and my mother have come to Center parcs for a long weekend in April. The s is the third year I will be doing it sober.

The first year I hadn’t told anyone I was not drinking. I was about a month sober and although the acute withdrawal symptoms had settled, I was very vulnerable scared and apprehensive. My not drinking at communal meals passed without question, although given my usual Propensity to drink a LOT with any excuse, I doubt it passed unnoticed. My exP was with us, and once again, out of the house he was protective and solicitous – sitting next to me, holding my hand in encouragement, at the end of the break he was angry, wanted to leave and created a bit of a bad situation by demanding we left earlier than planned.

Last year, just the boys and I came, and it was a much more relaxed weekend. We knew what to do and how to get the most out of the activities. We knew where things were, and of course I was much further along in my recovery which enabled me to be much more relaxed and open at group dinners.

And now? Now I feel GOOD! Now I feel I can really enter into the spirit of the thing and be fully present. This afternoon I am going pottery painting with my sister in law and my two nieces, some female company and I really enjoy spending time with them. As young women they are full of fun, very technically up to date – last year they tried to teach me to use snapchat- and very lovely. I have a spa with my mother tomorrow, contemplating telling her I’ve been to AA, and lots of other activities booked. All good, and all wholesome !

I have a really positive vibe right now, since I have made connections. I haven’t really known what has been wrong the last long glum humdrum weeks. I had begun to think that was as good as it got; better than my life drinking and with ExP, but somehow drab and bleak. It was RL connections I was missing and I am so grateful and pleased to have taken the plunge and been so rewarded 🙂🙂🙂


5 comments

  1. If I may generalize just a little bit, we ex-boozers tend to be an isolative bunch. Admitting that we have issues with alcohol is frightening, and comes with multitudinous judgments and shame triggers. It’s HARD to share that part of ourselves with other people, especially those who may not understand. I think we also tend to be the types of folks who HATE HATE HATE reaching out, and asking for and receiving help. We’re overachievers. Overfunctioners. The support of others is the piece of sobriety that I was missing for a really long time, and was one of the reasons why it was so difficult to stay sober in the past.It sucks being stuck alone inside your head with this monstrous “thing” that wishes for nothing but your demise. I am so glad that you are finding connection with others! It’s a beautiful thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That is so so true for me. I spent a long time struggling with the word ‘alcoholic’ because for me, alcoholics were tramps living onpark benches , or the desperately unwell people I have admitted to hospital with end stage liver failure. Alcoholics were not me. But of course I’m just an alcoholic earlier in the disease, one slip away from disaster, and listening to others talking at the meetings all I could hear were the similarities. The inability to moderate, the shame, the chaos.. so now ‘I’m lily and I’m an alcoholic “ rolled pretty easily off my tongue .. and although I won’t say I’m NOT ashamed of it, I’m a lot less ashamed than I was 🌷

      Liked by 1 person

      • I totally get it. I still don’t call myself an alcoholic because the word is so steeped in judgment and shame from my past life experiences, but that doesn’t mean I don’t recognize the fact that I CANNOT DRINK. EVER. My reward pathways are wired in such a way that really bad things happen when ethanol enters my bloodstream. I cannot moderate. I will black out. Now that may sound like the definition of an alcoholic to many, but my take is “do and say what works to keep you sober!” If AA works for you, do it! Everyone is different, and there is no shame in admitting you have a problem and getting help for it. 💜💜💜

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think everyone should go to some AA meetings. If just to see how powerful the connection truly is…and as a conscious step of acceptance that, yes, I am an addict just like all these other people. Life is better sober. Life drinking was full of fear, drama, anger and self pity.

    Your meeting encouraged me to go to a meeting last night. The Friday night group turned out to be a fun bunch, and I left with a spring in my step.

    Have an awesome visit. You have so much self confidence now. It’s inspiring.
    Anne

    Like


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s