This is a bit of an emotional dump.
I do not know why my mother pushes my buttons so effectively. This evening, at the end of a family weekend, I lost my cool with her and walked out of the restaurant at the end of the evening, clearly annoyed with her. I regret that. She is elderly and my mother. I “should” have more patience… but I don’t.
There are so many nice things about being at centre parcs… about being with family, about having the opportunity to spend time with my brother, sister in law, nieces and nephews- about doing stuff with my boys, and even yes, doing something that pleases my mother.
So given that my intentions are honestly genuinely good, why does it end in a cross exchange, hurt feelings and irritation?
I don’t know.
I could speculate that at a time of great stress for me; some from very obvious sources, some more personal and opaque, I’m on a shorter fuse than normal. I could postulate that the shield of alcohol is missing, leaving me more vulnerable; I wonder if my mother’s slowly failing mental and physical health, whilst not awful, upsets me more that I realise; if the absence of my eldest son feels more significant on such a family occasion. All these things may be contributory factors- but I think the biggest is that I have not yet accepted that I will not get from her what I actually want. What I want, what the inner child wants, is validation, acceptance and love. And I don’t get it. I won’t get it (I didn’t tell her I’d been to AA – honestly she’s not really interested) and that hurts.
It hurts all the time if I think about it, but mostly I don’t- I just get on with my life . On occasions like this, spending 3 days in close proximity – the lack of any genuine interest in anyone or anything not directly related to her … that bugs me.
And now I’ve written that down I need to reflect on it a bit .. I feel unfair and unkind writing it about my mother who “does so much for me” … but … It also feels like my truth.