Shitstorm brewing

This is a mind dump. I have learned in the last couple of weeks that meetings are a great place to get this stuff out, but I can’t get to one today so its here.

I’m reciting the serenity prayer to myself, and trying to accept that these are things I cannot change BUT …

My ex husband. The father of my children. Something is up, and given the propensity for the past to be a good predictor of the future, I’m pretty worried…

A couple of small clues to start with … the monthly maintenance money arrives late, in cash because he’s got “trouble with the bank”; my former sister in law cancels a lunch date because she ‘doesn’t want to rock the boat right now’; the boys tell me his car has “died” and hes got a new one. Small things. But concerning.

Then the bigger things; Today son2 is in a complete state. He has had pretty bad anxiety for the last few months but this morning he crawls in with me at 5 am, hes sobbing and shaking and trembling. he cant /wont tell me what is worrying him, but hes ‘too scared to go out of the house’. He saw his father last night. I cuddle him and soothe him like a small child , but my mind is racing. I get a text message saying that my xH is ‘babbling’ – (this is a sign I recognise in him associated with heavy drug use; he often has mild pressure of speech and flight of ideas which make is conversations very one sided and illogical, but babbling and extreme randomness is not a a good sign) …

Now I’m really worried so I call my ex SIL who is a very sensible, pragmatic woman with whom I have maintained a good relationship. She tells me she is really worried; at the weekend he was very aggressive with his brother (her husband) and kept ‘nipping out the back’ – but no cannabis or tobacco smell .. My mind is now in complete overdrive and I’m 75% convinced he’s back on the cocaine.

This would explain the babbling, aggression, the money problems and son2’s concern (not that he would know about the cocaine, but he will see the babbling, randomness, and aggression) The reason ? He doesn’t actually NEED a reason but we think its connected with our mutual friend J’s terminal prognosis and slow decline. As my SIL said “he will take any excuse and we have been worried this was coming for a while”

So , what to do ….

Deep breath.

God (or whatever is out there) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (his behaviour) the courage to change the things I can (his access to son2 ? maybe. son2’s opportunity to get support from somewhere ? where ? I am the obvious person, but he dislikes telling me because he feels disloyal to his father) And the wisdom to know the difference.

I hate this.


  1. I went through a similar situation with the father of my grandsons several years ago. So hard. He died, not of drugs, but of cancer because he had so neglected his body. He had a cocaine addiction. So far the boys are doing well, though they miss their dad. They have always had a healthy support system around them. Lots of love!

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  2. I’m so sorry.
    When he is calm I would gently encourage son2 to tell you what happened.
    He probably knows all about cocaine. It’s everywhere and kids are VERY smart.
    Perhaps he is scared for his dad’s life.
    If you to you, does he have a therapist or someone else to talk to?
    Hugs to you both,

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    • He has started seeing a therapist (this is the second one) and we have an appointment with a child psychiatrist on Thursday. I have tried to ask him, but he is absolutely silent and refuses to say anything at the moment. Sigh 😔… I can only try, and keep the lines of communication open …

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  3. I can very well imaginge that you hate this. It might sound funny but when I read this it seems that your ex has yet again found another way to draw all attention to him. I have no experience with kids or cocaine addicts but I have some with experiencing feeling threats and what helped me greatly is to build a plan of action ‘in case’. Not sure what your action should be but I’ll just list a few points of mine to give an impression. I had a nasty split up with my father and was afraid he would come after me to. My therapist said: make a plan. Making the plan made things clearer and made me less anxious.
    – do not open the outside door / inside door unless you know who is in front of it
    – if he is at the door tell him to leave. Telephone the neighbours in the appartmentbuilding to inform them of what is going on and to not open the door for him.
    – Inform him to leave because tresspassing and inform him I call the cops.
    – At any point of the encounter: do NOT engage in any conversation. Do NOT open the door.

    I could imagine that your plan has something to do with changing locks of the house (if needed), setting up a secret whatsapp code with the kids about wanting to be picked up. Speaking with authorities/help organisations on how to proceed?

    Above all: remember there is no problem that does not get worse with drinking. :-/

    Sending hugs and hopes for a good session at the therapist. Hope my reply does not strike you as too ‘stressy’.

    Not sure if you a familiair with Bach remedies but the rescue remedy might be of help to him. They have an alcohol free version now too. All in all Bach remedies (sort of homeopathic medicine pointed at emotional states) might be something you would want to familiarize yourself with because by the sounds of it your kid could easily be getting all kinds of anxiety drugs from a therapist. I don’t have kids so it is easy to say for me but trying Bach remedies would have my preference. I don’t see Bach remedies as a drink because they are medicine and I use 2 drops in a pint of water. Just as I do not see the stuff I clean my glasses with as drinkable.

    More hugs,
    xx, Feeling

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    • Thank you. That is very helpful. I hadn’t thought of the ‘what if …. ‘ plans for containing my anxiety and having something in place for us all. I will work on that, thank you for sharing, I’m sorry about your father, that mys be very difficult and stressful for you . I have tries Kalms tablets for him (they contain gentian and valerian) with minimal success), but rescue remedy cant hurt. I really appreciate the thought and the time you have taken to share with me x

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      • Having a plan at hand really calmed me down. It might sound funny but it also helped me intenally / energy wise, not sure how to call it, to make a stand/stance. If that makes any sense. Maybe: realise that I am not helpless.
        If calming tablets don’t help it might be because he is still IN the stress. You know ‘can take the child out of the war but how to take the war out of the child’.
        There is a lot of info on the net on Bach remedies and there are several beautiful books from simple to elaborate. I always grab the elaborate one, get totally lost in it but learn to understand the dynamics/energy of a remedy and then decide based on the simple ones. Which I will be doing now for me. No use giving advice I can not take myself. Let me know if you are interested in pursuing and talk this through. Happy to see if I can be of help in this. Sending hugs.
        xx, Feeling

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  4. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. It’s hard enough to deal with a difficult ex, but when your children are involved too, it must be absolutely maddening. My heart and my thoughts go out to you and your sons, I wish that your ex could see past his own wounds and issues and realize how much his actions have and still hurt others. I like feelingmywaybacktolife’s idea of having a plan to deal with it…you cannot control him but you can control how you act with respect to his behaviors. Much love to you.


    • Thank you 🙂dealing with him encourages me to adopt the serenity prayer – I can’t change him and he is unable to see the damage he does. So I try to discard my anger and judgement, keep my distance but practice compassion for him as a still struggling addict (on a good day). On a bad day I despise him … 🌷x

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      • I love the serenity prayer!! And I’m with you, it can be darned near impossible to be compassionate to those that hurt us sometimes, especially when we have pre-existing vulnerabilities. We’re not perfect though, we’re human. Progress, not perfection… 😉

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