This is a mind dump. I have learned in the last couple of weeks that meetings are a great place to get this stuff out, but I can’t get to one today so its here.
I’m reciting the serenity prayer to myself, and trying to accept that these are things I cannot change BUT …
My ex husband. The father of my children. Something is up, and given the propensity for the past to be a good predictor of the future, I’m pretty worried…
A couple of small clues to start with … the monthly maintenance money arrives late, in cash because he’s got “trouble with the bank”; my former sister in law cancels a lunch date because she ‘doesn’t want to rock the boat right now’; the boys tell me his car has “died” and hes got a new one. Small things. But concerning.
Then the bigger things; Today son2 is in a complete state. He has had pretty bad anxiety for the last few months but this morning he crawls in with me at 5 am, hes sobbing and shaking and trembling. he cant /wont tell me what is worrying him, but hes ‘too scared to go out of the house’. He saw his father last night. I cuddle him and soothe him like a small child , but my mind is racing. I get a text message saying that my xH is ‘babbling’ – (this is a sign I recognise in him associated with heavy drug use; he often has mild pressure of speech and flight of ideas which make is conversations very one sided and illogical, but babbling and extreme randomness is not a a good sign) …
Now I’m really worried so I call my ex SIL who is a very sensible, pragmatic woman with whom I have maintained a good relationship. She tells me she is really worried; at the weekend he was very aggressive with his brother (her husband) and kept ‘nipping out the back’ – but no cannabis or tobacco smell .. My mind is now in complete overdrive and I’m 75% convinced he’s back on the cocaine.
This would explain the babbling, aggression, the money problems and son2’s concern (not that he would know about the cocaine, but he will see the babbling, randomness, and aggression) The reason ? He doesn’t actually NEED a reason but we think its connected with our mutual friend J’s terminal prognosis and slow decline. As my SIL said “he will take any excuse and we have been worried this was coming for a while”
So , what to do ….
God (or whatever is out there) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (his behaviour) the courage to change the things I can (his access to son2 ? maybe. son2’s opportunity to get support from somewhere ? where ? I am the obvious person, but he dislikes telling me because he feels disloyal to his father) And the wisdom to know the difference.
I hate this.