I’ve been struggling the last few days. So much emotion and such extreme feelings.

On the positive side, my eldest is coming home 🌟🌟🌟

I’m beyond excited, and so happy. He has been away for eight months, first in Nepal and latterly in Vietnam. He’s had a option to stay away till July, but yesterday told me he’s decided to come home now. I feel a bit guilty, I think he recognised the stress in my voice, and asked me how I was. I try not to ‘lean’ on him as a sounding board, he’s only 19 after all, but the stresses of son2, of my desperately unwell friend .. I actually really want him here … so Thursday evening he will land at Heathrow – and I will be there to meet him.

Also good, I asked someone to sponsor me, and she agreed. We met on Friday and started the programme… I found it illuminating and feel positive about this decision.

Not so good.

My friend J. It’s not my story, and it’s not my pain: but it is so hard seeing him die ; inch by inch, deteriorating, his world shrinking , the pain, the fear, the breathlessness the sheer physical breakdown of a kind, fun generous person. Watching K, so strong and so brave, shouldering all the heartache, keeping things together for him, for their son, working .. my heart bleeds and I’m struggling with my emotions. Resentment, anger, frustration childish feelings of “why him, he doesn’t deserve this” : “it’s not fair” ….

Son 2. Public exams start on Tuesday. No work, no study. No effort. I’m struggling with fear, frustration, anger (because total failure will have a huge impact on me in the future) impotence, inability to understand his complete non engagement. It’s hard. Managing his simultaneously rock bottom self esteem, and huge inflated sense of importance (he thinks all my emotional stress is caused by him – which makes him feel shit about himself) it really really drains me.

And I’ve run out of my SSRI. For six days , That is a huge mistake and my first job today is to collect my prescription .