Over the last few days it is as though a Dam has burst.
Like the last key piece in a restraining wall has been removed and a HUGE flood of stuff is gushing, streaming out. All the pain I have kept locked up inside, all the struggles the attempts to control my eating, my weight, my shopping, my spending and my drinking, just spilling out in my emotions, in my talking, in my connections. Wave after wave of suppressed sentiment crashing in to my conscious psyche – its like a voice in my head is screaming at me “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANY MORE”
Its useless to try and put the cork back in or re-lay the stone, the force of the pent up emotion is just far to powerful to make that a possibility, even if I wanted to.
Yesterday was one of the most emotionally painful days I can remember, ever. And that includes the day I ended my marriage or the day my father died. The sheer force of grief and hurt and hopelessness was overwhelming. Quite literally I barely knew what to do with myself, I could think of NOTHING that could take the edge of the rawness and vulnerability.
I think that’s when we are supposed to ‘lean into the discomfort’ but I could not. Partly at least because I had to go to work… I think I would have made a better fist of it if I could have either sat reading or mindlessly occupying myself, but no, I had to see 30 patients at 10 minute intervals and hold the whole thing together.
I did it though, and then I wonder why and how I got so good at ignoring what I feel, intellectualizing and hiding it, stuffing it down with binge eating and drinking! Because that ALWAYS what I do. I just get on with what has to be done.
My conclusion from all this, right now, today, is that I am an incredibly strong woman.
My way of dealing with stuff has been totally warped and ultimately very unhealthy but I have been carrying this burden of emotional pain for years. I have coped with SO much, and have not laid down and given up. No, (at times to my own detriment) I have kept right on going, doing the best that I can, loving my children, trying to help and support my colleagues, friends and family, giving so much emotionally to my patients. I have done all this whilst inside I have been a wreck, a lost, sad, lonely. vulnerable, insecure wreck who has been treated seriously badly by her last two male partners; bullied, abused, frightened, gas-lighted and used.
I deserve to be treated well ( we ALL deserve to be treated well) and I have tried SO hard to do my best and make everything alright. And, you know what, today I really believe it is not I who failed my ex husband or ex Partner. It is THEY who failed ME. They who failed to treat me with respect, kindness or love… They who walked all over my basic good natured kindness and compassion and dealt out disdain, cruelty and lies.
And now I’m going to bloody well sort out this food / control / insecurity / vulnerability /avoidance of feelings bullshit, tiny step by tiny step and I AM going to live the life of contentment and happiness that I freaking well deserve.