This is part of my Step two / three homework. It feels very important so I thought I would write it as a blog post, that way it stays here for me to look back on.
As I have written before, have struggled with the concept of a higher power – an internal struggle of ‘wanting to believe’ ; envying those who do ; but lacking the trust needed to make that leap … By some miracle (and I use that word deliberately because that is how I experience it) I have made that leap of faith and I now find myself embracing the faith I have searched for …
I have been aware of you all of my life. At times I have felt Your presence pushing at the edges of my consciousness and trying to make me see You , but in my arrogance and wilfulness I ignored the obvious signals You sent to me. I carried on alone, struggling to cope with the unmanageability and chaos of my life, trying to control every facet. I continued down my self destructive path for so many years ignoring the lifelines you threw in my path …
I feels so lucky that despite my stupidity, despite my arrogance, self will and stubborn refusal to listen eventually an enormous proverbial slap across the face woke me up to the blindingly obvious fact of Your reality. After so long agonising over something I could not control, it came right in the end, by Your Grace, You showed me that my will and planning is irrelevant, that Your greater plan will prevail, and we will all be ok. We will all suffer, because that is a part of life, but with trust and faith we will be ok.
To turn my will and life to You, enables me to LIVE the serenity prayer. It allows me to stop fretting about what I can neither alter nor influence. Instead by trust and faith and prayer I can come to accept the futility of my attempts to manipulate the future, and learn instead to trust in You.
This may be the greatest gift my recovery has yet brought me. I have learned patience, self control, calmness, have practiced setting boundaries, learned to manage the shame that previously engulfed me, and started on the path of self love. All these are great gifts that have come to me in sobriety and the lived experience of a calmer, happier home, and greater honesty with those I love is a wonderful result.
All this however has not removed my worries about the future that have tormented me. This nascent faith, trust and deep feeling of serenity provides me with the key to a wholehearted, joyful, spiritually healthy future.
For this I am deeply grateful.
I know there are many incidents in my life that You threw into my path, trying to help me accept Your reality. Of course now I cannot remember a single one to acknowledge in this letter. But I now there were many that I ignored. This last, this amazing last, I could not ignore. Sent to me right at this time in my recovery when my mind is open and my willingness to hear Your call is at last developed.
The last barrier to my acceptance of You was ‘trust’ – and you showed me in the most obvious way possible that I could, and should, trust in You.
I humbly ask for Your help in embedding this faith deep in my soul. I understand that faith is an action, it needs nurturing and it needs time. I commit to regular practice of prayer and gratitude to build my relationship with You. I commit to honesty in my relationship with my God and to seeking help from those who have greater spiritual wisdom than I. Please strengthen and confirm my faith in my daily life.