Im in a good place right now
Not the ‘pink cloud’ good space that I have experienced periodically over the last 2 years, not an artificial high caused by something good happening. No, this feels sold, better, calmer.
My problems have not gone away; the kids are still the kids with their challenges problems and my anxieties about them; work is still work – busy, demanding, unmanageable; and life still has its downsides.
But I feel better.
Since what I am going to call my spiritual awakening, the problems I face seems to have been placed in a more appropriate perspective leaving a big space for gratitude. Not the slightly forced gratitude of the last 833 days, but a real, deep, profound, heartfelt thankfulness for all the amazing positives in my life.
Underpinning that is a much stronger sense of self esteem, a feeling of personal control and a trust in God. A true belief that I, with all my imperfections, am not some hideous malevolent, undeserving fraud, but just a person. Just a person with good and bad traits. A person like others, worthy of love, help and support. That my Shame and self hatred has been shrunk down to its proper proportion and assumes a much smaller place in my psyche.
This is a HUGE relief, and a huge step forward for me. Associated with this feeling is compassion for others, including those who have wronged me. No longer am I so angry, resentful and fearful (even though it was largely hidden from others) resentment, anger and fear were big parts of my feelings about my ex husband and my ex partner. Although I would probably have denied it, the fear with connected with anxiety they they could in some way still hurt me. Being able to let go of the fear, trust in my own boundaries and KNOW that I will be ok, is very freeing.
Im working my steps, bit by bit – onto Step 4 and writing my lists of resentments, fears, anger, frustration is quite cathartic. It pulls all those suppressed ‘negative’ emotions into the present – and poking over them makes me realise they are all very boringly common. Theres nothing particularly shocking there (that I have done) nothing to horrify or scandalise. its all pretty mundane. Who knew !
So despite this period of sadness and mourning, despite the tears for J which catch me unawares sometimes, despite the inevitable struggles of my dear friend and my absolute inability to make it right for her, inside I am at peace. I have faith that it WILL all be ok.
I think of that faith as a droplet falling in to the water of life – and the ripples are felt throughout my life – in all aspects.
One more things I’m grateful for .