Ok, I know now what it was yesterday.
It’s a surfeit of uncertainty.
a state of limited knowledge where it is impossible to exactly describe the existing state, a future outcome, or more than one possible outcome
And that uncertainty comes from all the things on yesterday’s list. Except mess, which I cannot tolerate when the rest of my mind is disordered. I CAN (have to) tolerate it better when there is less disarray and confusion in the rest of my life.
- Son 1 – no job. Applied for college, no certainty of place and currently lacks a back up plan. Not eligible for employment support because he has not been back in the UK for 3 months after his travels. Not really looking for work seriously at the moment because we are going away in 3 weeks and he perhaps correctly thinks no one will take him on for such a short space of time. But he is open, transparent not smoking drugs, very communicative and very supportive (as much as a 19 year old can be) too much uncertainty for me about what happens when we get back from holiday … and the potential fall out / consequences.
- Son2 – finished school 3 weeks ago. No job. Doing nothing meaningful. Lazy. Again anxiety about consequences and uncertainty about his future.
- Practice managers resignation & developing conflict with partners re replacement … I thinkthis was yesterday’s proverbial straw. We had a meeting last night. In the end it was ok, as these things often are, but the fear of not being heard and not getting an outcome I was happy with was probably the difference between calm in the morning and gremlins in the afternoon.
The rest; mess, bills, discordant noise, recovery, mess are just unmanageable when I’m in fear. And that’s what’s underneath it all.
an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger
Fear that sons 1 & 2 will be living unemployed, parasitic and underdeveloped with me for EVER …
Fear that my partners will insist on employing a controlling, dictatorial manager who could destroy the flexible positive working environment I value so much and have spent so long cultivating.
And in to that I add my character defects (see how well I’m doing) controlling, perfectionistic,
And there we have the perfect breeding ground for the gremlins of anger, frustration and despair.
So, I have had a mindful hour this morning, prayed and I’m ready for the day …
thanks for the support 🌷 I’ll get there (eventually)