This is really fucking hard

That’s it really. Its all in the title

Its hard. I know, no-one ever said life would be easy, and in the grand scheme of world issues, I am just SUCH a first world problem. (That makes me feel guilty too)

I think the main problem is, now that I am actually having to DO it, I realise how very hard it is to be a single mother to three teenage boys.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them all fiercely, protectively  – and one thing I DO know, is that they know this. Deep down for certain they know that I LOVE them.

But its hard.

In the last week son 2 chucked at me that “You’ve spent the last 10 years engrossed in the computer and not looking at whats going on under your nose’; son 3 shouted at me that “You can’t remember ANYTHING” and son 1, yesterday, blisteringly accurately told me that “ You just side with who ever is there at the time”.

ouch, OUCH, OUCH

I’m trying to tell myself that this is a process, that we ALL of us are learning how to express ourselves in an environment where no-one is bullying us, or frightening us into keeping quiet. That this expression of frustration and anger is quite normal and that my floundering around in the anxiety of parental alienation is so common as to be almost Universal.

But it hurts.

It hurts because all those comments above are, to some extent true. I HAVE buried myself in an alternate reality at times, because ‘being present’ and FEELING the feelings has been so hard; I AM forgetful and uncharacteristically disorganised ; and that character defect of ‘people pleasing’ does creep into my interactions with the kids.

sigh.

One other thing that I know for sure is that I don’t hide behind defensiveness, I’m quite prepared (perhaps too prepared) to admit to my shortcomings, and to apologise for them when necessary. I am learning to be vulnerable, and maybe I’m too vulnerable and open to my children’s’ criticism.

In 11 days we fly to Africa. we will have 9 days with no mobile signal, no internet access and no-one else for company.

Could be interesting.


5 comments

  1. Wow Lily this is very open of you to admit.
    I agree and it is always said, but to some extent rightly so, that we live and we learn.
    In my experience we are at our most raw with our family we learn more about ourselves through honesty ( be it through positive or negative emotions ) we them than we anyone else.
    At the end of the day you are doing your best and that’s all you can do.
    I wish you a pleasant holiday which I sure will be filled with fond memories.
    Grace @ The Little Bubble

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are doing great! Mom to 3 teenage boys – you are a warrior in my book. You love them and they know that. No one is perfect and at least they cant use the drinking thing against you. Whatever we do ‘wrong’ makes them stronger and at least we are trying our best.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are awesome. Life is full of crap. Let them fling in. Just remember they only do so because they know you love them. Sigh.

    I hope you can’t be too open, because that’s what I try too.

    Africa! How exciting.

    Liked by 1 person


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